Nov

26

Dean Awn Is A Turkey, And We Love Him

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Don't be afraid
Don't be afraid

Don’t be afraid

Several tipsters let Bwog know about the latest and greatest from within the General Studies community. Dean Peter Awn sent this email out on Monday afternoon as a Thanksgiving update (and make sure you’ve read up on the undergraduate schools’ varied approaches to the holiday, too):

Dear GS Community,

Over the years I have been accused of suffering from acute meleagrisphobia, an irrational fear of turkeys, which has led to my viciously maligning the domesticated version of the bird in my Thanksgiving emails to the GS community.[1] This year, however, has been one of radical transformation, for I have entered a new decade of life, one that dare not speak its name.[2] Traumatizing though this transition has been, it has brought with it new insight, most especially the realization that I am more of a turkey than I thought.

I stumbled on a YouTube video of this noble creature as I was surfing my phone during morning ablutions. I suddenly realized, as I gazed in the bathroom mirror, how much we had in common—like the grotesque, bony feet, which at least I attempt to disguise with flashy socks, and the unremarkable plumage covering feeble body parts, which I overlay with cut-rate couture. But then I saw the statuesque head under which hung a mass of crimson skin, a regal wattle that mesmerized me with its rhythmic undulations. And I looked at the mirror in stunned disbelief, for I too had a wattle, hanging lower with each advancing decade.

I now repent publicly my past meleagrisphobic sins and proclaim, like the mystics of old, that the turkey and I are One, not only in spirit but also in wattle.

So with every movement of my head this week, and with every wiggle of my wattle, I will be channeling to you my warmest wishes for a happy and relaxing Thanksgiving holiday. Be you vegan or paleo in your diet, eat heartily and reach out to those individuals in your life about whom you care the most. And may the wattle you eventually grow be a permanent reminder of everything and everyone for whom you should be thankful, not just this week, but always.

Have an absolutely wonderful Thanksgiving!

Peter J. Awn
Dean

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[1] In my defense, I suggest that this may be the result of an abiding, subconscious resentment sparked during the 2004 Commencement. As I approached the podium, decked out in academic regalia, to present to the 20,000 plus guests the GS Class of 2004, a ninja-like figure in black leapt to the front of the stage, pushed me aside, seized the microphone and proclaimed his support for animal rights. A worthy cause, to be sure…. but am I not an animal? Should I be mistreated this way? But I digress….

[2] Hommage to Bosie and Oscar (Wilde).

We love Dean Awn and you should, too.

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2 Comments

  1. Dean Awn?

    More like Dean Awwwww.

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