Dec

4

Why, Winter Weather, Why

Written by

getting cold just looking at her
Pamela Anderson wasn't built for snow.

Getting cold just looking at her

Winter is coming. The star of Disney’s new movie Frozen, Maud Rozee brings you the story of your walk to school today/next week since it wasn’t actually that cold today.

You wake up in your overheated dorm. Ahhh, you left your shoes too close to the heater and now the whole room has that weirdly pleasant dirt/feet/rubber smell. Why must you leave? Why can’t you just pull a groundhog and snuggle in your blanket burrow for the rest of winter? You could just leave a sign on your door:

Dear Suitemates,

Be back February 2nd.

Please keep the noise down or else.

You check the weather. It’s freezing. Great, as if you needed another reason to not want to go to campus. Okay, you can do this. Just turn yourself into a walking sphere of clothing. You can’t bend your arms, but that’s okay, lots of people are born with no elbows and go on to great things. Also, if you wrap this scarf around your face, nobody will recognize you and you won’t have to make small talk/eye contact with anyone.

You set out on your expedition. The wind gusts into your face and your moisturizing lip balm instantly dries up and is scattered behind you. Why are you on Hoth right now? Why aren’t there tunnels from every dorm to every building? You should’ve worn your warmer scarf even though it doesn’t match your hat. You should’ve packed on more blubber in preparation. So many regrets.

Three minutes out and you can’t feel your legs. Your nose is going to fall off, you’re going to look like Voldemort, kids will call you “no-nose” behind your back. You’re not gonna make it. They’ll find you 2000 years later, perfectly preserved in ice, the mysterious noseless woman of Morningside Heights.

Two minutes later: you’ve adapted. Ice flows through your veins. What is cold. You have become like an arctic wolf , or maybe an arctic beluga.

You arrive at your destination and realize the walk heated you up way too much. Your body’s temperature is out of control. You’re sweating like an arctic pig. You strip off 500 sweaters into a pile next to you. Would it be wrong to take the bus home today? Definitely not.

Freezing lady via Shutterstock

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4 Comments

  1. bad timing  

    it was like 50 degrees today and yesterday. it basically felt like october.

  2. animation pedant  

    Frozen isn't a Pixar movie. It's Walt Disney Animation Studios.

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