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How To Explain Bacchanal To Friends And Family

Lowkey Bacchus’ arms look hella sexy.

Dictionary.com defines “bacchanal” as “an occasion of drunken revelry; orgy.” While that about sums it up, I have a feeling that that description of the day may not fly with your mom. In order to explain Bacchanal to all your various loved ones, you may have to tweak the definition in order to suit their agenda. Here’s some advice on how to explain Bacchanal to all sorts of people in your life.

Your parents

Bacchanal is a time-honored Columbia University tradition. Every spring, we hard-working students take a break by spending time outside listening to live music with our friends. Sure, a few beers are had here and there, but overall the day is really about Columbia camaraderie.

Your grandma

Bacchanal, named after the Roman god Bacchus, is a testament to Columbia’s traditional focus on the Classics. It is a day we spend remembering the legacy of Bacchus, god of… grapes. We all sit on the lawns, arranged in groups according to our freshman year Lit Hum sections, and discuss the prevalence of Bacchus’ legacy in the 21st century. We even have live music, because everyone knows that Bacchus enjoyed quality entertainment. Throughout the day there is even a wine tasting, which gives us the opportunity to learn all about the origins of Franzia.

Your friends back home

It’s the biggest event in New York City. Seriously. Hundreds of New Yorkers flood Columbia’s campus for the dopest party you’ve ever seen. Kanye is headlining this year. There’s free booze everywhere. Remember that after prom party senior year at Dylan’s parents’ house? Yeah, it’s like that, but a million times cooler. I can’t even explain it. New York City is so lit.

Your friends at other NYC schools

Believe it or not, Columbia students aren’t always snobby library dwellers. We may study hard, but we party harder. We even have frats! Have you ever been to a real frat party? In the words of NYU Local, who spent Bacchanal with Bwog last year, “The houses were just a little gross, filled with drunken young adults, and people were playing beer pong: is this what real college is like? They even had cute little backyards!” Come uptown and join us for a full day of day-drinking, day-dancing, and day-getting-fucked-up.

The ER doc at St. Luke’s

“So, you’re telling me that you started drinking around 9am, spent the whole afternoon smoking weed, ate three whole Shake Shack burgers, and then passed out on the lawns around dinner time?”

“Um, yeah.”

“Why did you do all that? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Well, it’s Bacchanal.”

 

Note: Bwog does not condone the use of illegal drugs.

Sexy Bacchus via Caravaggio.org

 

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