There are dozens of them! Dozens!!

1. The Pragmatist. They’re not sure America’s ready to elect a woman, a gay person, or a socialist, and they’re not afraid to tweet/podcast/rant about it in class constantly. They might be right, but you don’t really need to hear about it at 3 am. They also think they’ve mastered ~edgy~political humor but they’re just making fun of Monica Lewinsky online.
2. The White Feminist. They’re similar to the Pragmatist, but instead of making fun of a former White House intern on social media, they were radicalized into neoliberalism by the Women’s March. Their Insta is full of pictures of witty signs from all the marches they’ve been to, but for issues not directly pertaining to the rights of their own uterus, they’re happier sitting at home and adding anyone who dares criticize their political activism straight to their block list.
3. The Memer. They’re the friend who got really into Obama/Joe Biden memes in high school, and they’re super nostalgic for the slightly less apocalyptic days of 2015 or so. They’ve probably read Hope Never Dies: An Obama Biden Mystery, and they occasionally watch the video of Obama giving Biden the Medal of Freedom just to feel something.
4. The History Major. They’re definitely focusing on 18th century US history or post-World War II Europe. They think that the primary reforms that took place after the 1968 Democratic primary are where the country went wrong, and they will regale you with their argument in detail. Sometimes, they stand outside of Butler to experience what a smoke-filled room must have been like.
5. Ex-Bernie Supporters Gone Corporate. They probably spend all their time in the Uris library, whether they’re actually an MBA candidate or just really hoping they’ll run into someone that’ll help them snag that Goldman internship. Their Twitter bio used to read “Chad, CC ’20, he/him, eat the rich,” but now that they’re planning on becoming the rich, they’ve had to change their tune.
6. The Tenured Professor. The economy is working just fine for them because they’ve had the same well-paying university job since 1962 and subsidized university housing. Kids these days just don’t realize how nice they’ve got it with their smartphones and mountains of student debt. Probably teaches econ or a foreign language, for some reason.
7. Alma. It’s a little known fact that she’s a huge Biden stan—as a formerly gilded statue, she’s a really big fan of big business. Her least favorite president was Teddy “Trust Buster” Roosevelt (who actually took office the year she was designed!)

oh to live in the halcyon days of 2014 via Gage Skidmore // Flickr