We might all be socially distanced, but that doesn’t mean Bwog still can’t get up to some shenanigans, even if only in our imaginations. 

Bwog Takes Our OWLs:

• Slept in the hallway because midterms fried my brain and I couldn’t figure out how to answer the Ravenclaw door riddle
• Got knocked out by a bludger during the Gryffindor vs Slytherin match and was not excused from taking my potions exam which resulted in another trip to the hospital wing
• Studied on Friday night… felt so alone I actually started talking to the portrait of President Nicholas Murray Butler in Butler
• Realized I’m the only Slytherin not in Econ/Comp Sci/Financial Engineering/SEAS in general
• Went to the Barnard Greenhouse for Herbology lecture
• Wrote a foot long essay before I realized I was writing about the wrong goblin rebellion
• Actually enjoyed my Defense Against the Dark Arts reading
• Got imposter syndrome from being too tired to answer the Ravenclaw riddle correctly
• Argued with one of the portraits about the reasons for the founding of Beauxbatons. Reached a stalemate.
• Perfected my Animagus transformation
• Bullshitted all of my Divination homework for Professor Trelawny. Got an A+ for predicting my own death for the fourth week in a row.
• Learned that wizards of the far-too-recent past used to piss and shit themselves constantly and just Vanish it away. Unrelatedly, I discovered that you can’t drop out of wizard school, no matter how much you offer to pay the Headmaster.

Bwog Gains Access Into ~ The Restricted Section ~ (aka Bwog Sneaks A Lot of Substances into the Castle):

• Got drunk on Firewhiskey and accidentally broke my leg because the staircase I was on started moving
• Got drunk and ended up in the Forbidden Forest. My roommate got lost in there; we can’t find her. I hope she’s okay. It’s been three days.
• Got so drunk I tried to hook up with a ghost (I mean… Myrtle wasn’t complaining…)
• Got drunk at the Forbidden Forest AND I SWEAR I SAW A UNICORN
• Somehow woke up at the Great Lake yet again after a Slytherin party?? What the fuck happened last night??? Is there a spell for memory loss???
• Found the Room of Requirement. It was filled to the brim with Firewhiskey. Bottoms up witchesssss!!
• Was too drunk to think about the Ravenclaw riddle, so I simply passed out in the hall. I was woken up by a deeply confused house elf
• Bought something called pipeweed from a small man with large feet in Hogsmeade. Not quite the same as normal weed, but it did the job.
• Smoked by the lake with my friends. We pretended to read the stars for one another and ignored all of our responsibilities. It was beautiful.

Bwog Gets Killed… Or Worse, Expelled:

• Had my ballpoint pen business shut down by Professor McGonagall
• Got kicked out of the Slytherin Common Room by Snape because I (still) do not have housing!
• Watched Harry Potter and co. lose Gryffindor even more house points, setting a record of negative house points
• Rode through the Forbidden Forest on my broom but got caught because I crashed through Hagrid’s window and McGonagall saw
• BROKE! MY! FUCKING! WAND! My parents are gonna kill me AAAAAA
• Conspiracy theory: Professor Lupin is a werewolf. Call me crazy all you want, but I KNOW I’M RIGHT. Anyway, I got detention for calling my professor a furry. That was not my intention, but now here we are.
• Plotted how to shave Snape’s head, but he found the plan in my potions notebook while checking my work.
• Made Mrs. Norris chase a laser pointer for two hours before Filch caught me. Totally worth it.
• Got framed for the Weasley brother’s latest prank (a can of pink paint propped up on Professor Umbridge’s door). Now I’m scrubbing cauldrons for the next two weeks.
• Brewed Polyjuice Potion specifically to impersonate Spec’s EIC and cause chaos in their offices. McGonagall was laughing too hard at my “Umbridge is secretly three toddlers in a housecoat” cover story to punish me for my literal crime, and Snape gave me extra credit for brewing such a complex potion without any help. Sometimes, crime pays.

Bwog Brews Amortentia, Except Not Because That Is Highly Illegal:

• Matched with a cutie on Tinder but then realized it was McGonagall! Ahh!!
• Saw the girl I’m in love with having a date at Madam Puddifoot’s… Accepting applications for a magical girlfriend to share Honeydukes candy with NOW
• Accidentally took my hookup’s tie and did not notice until well into the day. Guess I’m a Slytherin now?
• Went looking for a girl to take me on a date to the Astronomy Tower and read my tarot cards and explain my birth chart to me. Didn’t find her. If you’re out there: please.
• Caught feelings for a Gryffindor fuckboy 😔send thoughts (or thots?) and prayers
• Went to an underground circuit party in the Chamber of Secrets and ended up going home with some Slytherin guy
• Hooked up with my crush in the Shrieking Shack. Now I understand where the name comes from

Bwog Joins Dueling Club:

• The next person that says “Ok Hufflepuff” to me is getting punched in the face.
• Went to the CU Democrats vs CU Republicans vs CU Libertarians vs Roosevelt Institute debate, but it got too heated and they started stunning each other
• Watched a classmate disarm our professor… over ZOOM
• Saw Hermione Granger punch Draco Malfoy in the face and fell in love with her all over again

Bwog? Doing Sports? Being Sports-Adjacent? Definitely An Alternate Universe:

• Had to go to Quidditch practice in the rain and got so sick
• Took the stairs to be healthy but they kept disappearing and rematerializing elsewhere.
• Was convinced to go to the Ravenclaw/Slytherin quidditch match. Literally fell asleep.
• Tried to teach my Gryffindor friends how to play basketball. They didn’t get it, which makes me doubt they’ve ever seen a TV show or watched a movie
• Watched the CU Gen showcase. It was cool until they started levitating and I got dizzy watching them

Bwog Experiences The Banality Of Magic:

• Meant to get my mum a birthday present at Hogsmeade but completely forgot! Might ask McGonagall if she can help me transfigure something nice…
• Chugged five liters of pumpkin juice to see why Professor Moody was so obsessed with it. It’s pretty acidic, but I don’t get why he winces every time he drinks it.
• Found the Room of Requirement but immediately got overwhelmed with how much stuff is in there. Also, a cabinet just like… shook at me and now I’m scared.
• Went to the Wien owlery to send a package and the owl bit my finger :(
• Watched the Hogwarts Express run over a subway rat at Platform 9 3/4. Somethings never change.

Not Neo-Classical enough via HarshLight//Wikimedia Commons