Oh, what might have been…

Columbia University just announced our next president: Minouche Shafik, current president of the London School of Economics. But she can’t have been the only person asked by the auspicious Presidential Search Committee to take the helm. Now, for the first time, Bwog can share with you a list of the other people who made it to the shortlist but didn’t get the job.

(Disclaimer: Bwog cannot, in fact, confirm that any or all of these people were, in fact, asked to become president of the university. But, like, they probably were.)

Hillary Clinton

Qualifications

  • Would be the university’s first female president
  • Former First Lady, Senator from New York, Secretary of State, and presidential candidate
  • Immense boost to all political science majors’ clout

Disqualifications

  • Didn’t want the job, saying, quote, “I’ve had enough of that leadership shit.” Took a professorship instead.

Queen Elizabeth II

Qualifications

  • Would be the university’s first female president
  • British, returning King’s College to its roots
  • Nobility
  • (Margin notes: Being a British noble is very important! Whoever we choose should definitely at least be in the House of Lords or something)

Disqualifications

  • Ineligible due to dying during the selection process.

Michael Thaddeus

Qualifications

  • Intimately familiar with the difficulties of increasing a university’s rank
  • If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, I guess
  • The first math professor to lead the university
  • New York Times has a prewritten profile ready to go

Disqualifications

  • Has made too many enemies, risk of assassination.

Roar-ee

Qualifications

  • Inflluential among the student body, could quell any discontent
  • Attends all the sports games
  • Unites the imagery and leadership of the university in one all-powerful figure

Disqualifications

  • Transfer of power becomes too complicated—is the power vested in the mascot? Or the student playing it?

Lee Bollinger wearing a fake mustache and glasses

Qualifications

  • Led a prominent Ivy League university for 21 years
  • Well-liked and respected by the current president
  • Argued in front of the Supreme Court, haven’t you heard?

Disqualifications

  • Won’t shell out the money for a better disguise.

University announcement via Presidential Search Committee