How to get the library table of your dreams in seven, slightly questionable steps.

How to get the library table of your dreams in seven, slightly questionable steps.

1. Patience is not your friend

The march of time is endless and cruel, and waiting for a spot to open up means you’ll probably be a withered husk by the time the final you are studying for actually rolls around. If you must wait, make it very obvious that you want someone’s spot as soon as humanly possible. Remember, personal space is a mere suggestion in the middle of a crowded library. Standing directly next to someone’s chair while making constant eye contact is a great way to let someone know that they should hit the gas on whatever they are working on so they can leave, while still remaining comfortably within the bounds of etiquette. Who doesn’t love a polite request? However, if you blink, you’ve as good as lost and need to leave immediately in shame.

2. Don’t be afraid to get esoteric with it

Sure, if you walk into Avery then all of the lovely wooden table spots with lighting and outlets will probably be taken. If you catch yourself looking like an idiot as you walk in circles around the library looking for a table while trying to make it look like you have some perfectly valid reason to be marching ad nauseum in a loop, fear not! An atmosphere of safety and comfort is not necessary to study. Almost every Columbia library is equipped with a subterranean labyrinth that rivals the Paris Catacombs in terms of sheer scale and bad vibes. Simply head in whatever direction looks more like an analog horror video and keep going until you find a desk tucked behind a bookshelf four floors undergrounds or a cozy pothole to get set up in. Your very own liminal space! Just because it’s less popular doesn’t mean it’s any less good. Just don’t think too much about the black mold very obviously growing above your workspace.

3. Violence might be the answer

Libraries during finals are a complete no-mans-land where anything goes. Take advantage of the Wild West-Esque lawlessness to secure a spot! Textbooks make an excellent weapon with their nice heft and sturdy, compact shape. Taking a sneaky swing at the back of an unsuspecting person’s neck is a great way to make sure they won’t be using their spot anymore. Finders-keepers definitely applies in these dark times, so make sure to loot some sweet study snacks or some nice headphones off their lifeless body to keep you focused as you study. If you need to disperse a crowd, try engaging in some mild chemical or psychological warfare. Spraying perfume or other chemical irritants or blasting ska music and loud alarm sounds will clear up some spots in no time, while technically keeping you clear of violating the Geneva Conventions.

4. Late-night studying is an excellent idea

If the libraries are all crowded during the day, try going later at night! Load up on some nice Blue Java coffee or whatever potentially illegal stimulants your weird floormate keeps in their fridge and get ready to burn the midnight oil! Fair warning though, don’t stay too late. Those shambling shapes you keep seeing out of the corner of your eye used to be late-night studiers just like you until the library claimed them forever. They are cursed to wander the bookshelves, now completely nocturnal and blind like some kind of weird cavefish. They can smell you and they are always hungry. Keep an eye out!

5. Defend what’s yours

Congrats, you managed to get a good spot! The holy grail of reading week is finally yours. You’ve got some nice amenities, and a good playlist to focus with, but it’s not time to rest easy yet. Other astute Bwog readers might try to deploy these very same tactics against you to get that sweet study spot. Make sure not to get too engrossed in your work in case of a surprise attack from behind. If you see a rival student, make sure to assert your dominance. Standing up and furiously beating your chest or hissing and howling like some rabid creature should usually do the trick, but might get you some dirty looks from other studiers. If you get in a pickle, feel free to refer back to tip #3!

6. Vibes are everything

Your headspace makes all the difference between a productive study sesh and a shitty one. Try listening to appropriate playlists to get you in the right mood. Make sure to appear really busy and focused, and comment on your work under your breath to gloat to your neighbors. Feeding off their misery is a great way to stay focused! You can also try to cultivate some rancid vibes to make sure you have all the study space you need. Looking as off-putting as possible will discourage anyone from trying to sit next to you or distract you. Try Lana del Ray for that.

7. Try studying in your room!

If all else fails, you can try studying in your room!

Just kidding, we all know how well that will go. Have fun convincing yourself you earned that third nap just for writing your name and the date at the top of your essay.

Get out there and happy hunting!

Library Doom Student via Bwog Archives