No, this is not a playlist. This is more of a “one-song-on-loop” kind of moment.

I’m all about the views; I’m about the drama. I’m about paying attention to whoever wins “Best Original Score” at the Oscars, and then taking notes to incorporate the symbolic property of music into my own life. I got playlists upon playlists tailored to extremely specific moods, thoughts, and/or aesthetics, and my favorite activity is to put on my silly headphones and let the pretty notes and words dictate my life as I take the scenic route to wherever I need to go.

But alas, as much as I love to rest my pretty head against the windowsill, wistfully wishing life could get a little bit easier, I have to actually go outside. And go to class. Outside. I have to experience physical activity every single day just to be able to learn some cool things and eat food. How absurd!

Thankfully, I’ve gained some experience on how to make sure the mood is exactly right for each time I walk out the door. In fact, I’ve got it down to a science: for every specific mood I’m in, I have the exact song I need to play; otherwise, the vibes are horrendously off. So now, I’ve decided to finally put to paper what exact songs capture what exact moods I experience while walking, and now all your future saunters can have a superb, single-song soundtrack!

The saunter of your choice must, however, match the specificity and precision of the song. For the song to accurately complement your saunter, you must fulfill two conditions. First, you must be walking alone; this is YOUR coming-of-age story, and no one can take that away from you. Second, you have to be walking with headphones on. Let the song swim around in that little noggin of yours, taking up as much space as possible; absorb and internalize the groovy tune as you carry on your day. Now, without further ado, here’s a song for every saunter!

• If you’re magically awake in the morning and want to look at the stuff being sold at the farmer’s market outside Lerner every Sunday and Thursday, the perfect walking song might be “Sunflower” by Vampire Weekend feat. Steve Lacy. It’s such a bright, happy tune about starting off the morning right, greeting all the cool-looking strangers in the process. In a more imaginative way, the song has huge “bringing my tote bag to the farmer’s market to buy goat cheese and a baguette” energy. I know, weird claim, but after watching the trippy music video that takes place in a busy marketplace, I think that everything I just said fits perfectly for this situation! This song’s healing properties triple if you either:
  • Have a canvas tote bag currently resting on your shoulder, ready to have the newly purchased items held in its care. (Multiply healing points by another 5 if the tote bag is from Book Culture and if you’re currently wearing wide-legged pants. Double that total of healing points if you’re wearing a bucket hat.)
  • Are buying organic produce – We at Bwog love the environment as much as we love Vampire Weekend.
  • Are walking solely because it’s sunny out.
  • Saw the floral shop selling gorgeous bouquets of flowers and thought to yourself, “Hmmm…maybe I should buy myself a pretty gift today!” (Do it! Buy those flowers.)

• If you are either walking to or returning from a seminar with a certified Devil’s AdvocateTM, listen to the girlboss anthem, “Sick Beat” by Kero Kero Bonito. This song is all about being the Best Gamer Ever, winning “at any game / Whether you’re a boy or a girl or a supercomputer.” According to the one person in your class that wants to argue and debate absolutely everything, the socratic seminar only serves one purpose: to compete with all the other simpleminded ‘sheeple’ and best them all with your ‘quick wit’ and ‘extremely nuanced,’ ‘never-before-seen’ takes on the Contemporary Civilizations canon. So, if the ex-Speech and Debator wants to make a class a tournament of intellect, then why not pump yourself up with a song that says that you can do anything? If they can talk loud with no prior preparation for class, then you, the legend who did your homework, surely can talk even louder! Real gamer girl who’s not into “sewing, baking, dress-making, eating, bitching, submitting” moves! This song’s healing properties multiply by 8 if you either:
  • Identify yourself as a woman and/or “girlboss.”
  • Got a compliment from your professor on your unique perspective on some Ancient Greek’s thoughts about religion (Multiply by another 10 if the Devil’s Advocate said something and got no reaction)
  • Were once “corrected” by the Devil’s Advocate, only for them to say the exact same point you did (just in more pretentious diction). Sure, MY critique of Machiavelli isn’t right or based on anything rational even though I do, in fact, read the homework, but your critique of that insecure Italian’s philosophy is.

• If you’re late for class, and none of the people walking in front of you sense that you are, indeed, late for class, put “Can’t Cool Me Down” by Car Seat Headrest on full blast. “Can’t Cool Me Down” is about getting sick and then bitching about it for five minutes in an artistic, synth-y way. In other words, this song is about having to deal with a shitty situation you can’t control, but you—the only person dealing with it—are just a bitch who likes to complain! The tempo of the song is quite fast, so you can keep up with the prominent beats and power through the herds of aimless wanderers, and the lyrical whining that’s taking over your brain can fill you with so much angst that you won’t even feel guilty about accidentally elbowing a freshman who 100% had Google Maps guiding them to Hamilton! With this absolute banger on, these legs run on nothing but fumes, and the “only mistake I made in my life” was not leaving my dorm sooner! This song’s healing properties double if it’s scorching hot outside, and you break out a sweat while powerwalking across College Walk to get to your class that starts in two minutes.

• Are you perpetually stuck in a line at the dining halls wondering how the hell a small room of at least eighty people (some with poor mask etiquette too—I see you!) are allowed to be so close to each other? Channel your anger about your incoming panic attack from thinking about an impromptu super-spreader event and waiting too long for food you already know will disappoint with “Brain Stew” by Green Day! This angsty hit from the 90s always gets the underlining rage at the world just right; the sick heavy guitars, the loud drums that come in during the end, lyrics that remind you just how burned out and sleep deprived you are to tolerate the jostling and “EXCUSE ME’s” from every person wearing huge backpacks and walking down the wrong path to get away from the serving sections…immaculate! There’s nothing like blasting, “My mind is set on overdrive / The clock is laughing in my face / A crooked spine, my senses dulled / Past the point of delirium” while staring at the back of the same person’s head while you slowly creep forward in the worst line imaginable. This song’s healing powers quadruple if you’re not actually sauntering at all; for this song to take full effect, you pretty much have to be begging for some physical activity.

• If you just got out of the longest exam of your life that brought you to your wit’s end, and you’re trying so hard not to lose a grip on reality, go for a heavy guitar-based, stompin’ saunter with “Space & Time” by Wolf Alice. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there: I remember the skill assessment test they made everyone take for Frontiers of Science that was way too long and made me doubt everything I knew about simple physics concepts. The problem about estimating how much square footage of cheese is necessary to cover all of Central Park was embarrassingly hard, I’ll admit! But running out of that room and powering down Amsterdam knowing that none of that pain counted for anything with Wolf Alice singing, “I feel I’m losing control of my body / Control of my moods and my decisions and my money / I don’t want to come undone / I am set to self-destruct / I hope my body gets better…”? A new level of healing. A perfect way to both turn off my overworked brain and recenter myself in this strange, strange world full of meaningless tests! This song’s healing properties multiply by 8 if you are a physics and/or astronomy major, and you just had a test on space and time.

• A mandatory saunter through Riverside Park calls for a mandatory streaming of “Parklife” by Blur. Sure, a song about living next to a park is a little on-the-nose, but sometimes we need a literal moment to keep us humble! And what’s a better way to enjoy “aaaaaaalllllll the peeeeeopleeeeee / soooo manyyyyy peeeeeeeopleeee…” than to listen to 90s Damon Albarn ramble on and on about his weekly routine as you observe every dogwalker, runner, skateboarder, young child on the jungle gym, etc. that passes by? I’m sure some of us have “Walk in Riverside Park” as a part of our weekly routines! This song’s healing properties quadruple if you like to “feed the pigeons and sometimes feed the sparrows too,” and it all gives you an “enormous sense of well-being”.

• If you’re on the verge of falling asleep wherever you stand but starving after 11 pm and got money to spend, time to tune into Angel Olsen’s cover of “Forever Young” while walking over to the grocery store of your choice (preferably Morton Williams, as it is tiny, is open 24/7, and has indescribable energy). “Forever Love” already is such a grocery store song, but the up-beat poppy tune from the 80s might be too much for a cold, sleepy night venture. So, if you’re drudging yourself out to Morton in your sweatpants and house shoes just to buy some jalapeño chips, an Arizona Iced Tea, and some chocolate before you hole yourself up in your room to continue studying, why not have the goth, shoegaze-y version of a classic hit blasting to keep you awake? The starkness of the Morton Williams walls already has you half-convinced that you are a vampire incapable of tolerating any sort of light; vampire-sounding music is perfect for this scenario! This song’s healing properties double if you are either:
  • In love
  • Yearn about being in love
  • Are a self-proclaimed goth.

• Lugging your ten pounds of laundry to the laundry room right now? “Oblivion” by Grimes is the song for you! (Yes, there was going to be at least one Grimes song on this list. It’s always the time for Grimes.) Listen: we’re all familiar with the descent into the laundry room. The elevator ride to the basement is eerily still and silent, the entrance hallway is never fully lit, turning the corner into the actual room seems eternal, and the deafening rumbles of the washing/drying machines block out any other kind of identifiable noise. Simply put, I know I am probably safe, but in THEORY… “Someone could break your neck / Coming up behind you / Always coming and you’d never have a clue…” Grimes may be right! Thus, it’s crucial to calm yourself down with the smooth, electronic beats of one of Grimes’ most popular songs, and have an aesthetically pleasing reminder to always stay alert of your surroundings. This song’s healing properties cannot be multiplied because the song is too perfect for the sauntering scenario. It fits the mood exactly and allows for a truly universal experience.

• If you find yourself walking to an (in-person) appointment with your academic adviser, the right song for you might be “Laughing with a Mouth of Blood” by St. Vincent. This song, though gentle and ethereal-esque in sound, is all about confusion and uncertainty—not knowing what to do in the present to be able to have a good future. And you know what? That sounds exactly like every concern I’ve ever had when it comes to my yearly talk with my adviser. Believe it or not, we’re not at Columbia for a long time, so the future is always present. In the words of Ms. Annie Clark, “And I can’t see the future / But I know it’s watching me / (Wonder what it sees?)” And sure, the best strategy to cope with the dread of not knowing where we’ll be in 5 years may be to take each day at a time and be grateful for how far we’ve come from our pasts, but like…who has the time! I’ll just stream this flowery existential crisis and go about my day.

• If you are speed-walking out of your last class before the weekend, and you’re ready to go insane and find what makes you feel alive after a soul-sucking week of reading and solving problem sets, listen to “I Wanna Get Better” by Bleachers. Sure, you’ve probably heard this catchy song already, but there’s nothing more cathartic then putting on your noise-cancelling headphones, letting Jack Antonoff scream “So I put a bullet where I shoulda put a helmet /And I crash my car cause I wannA GET CARRIED AWAAAAY” into your ears, and launching yourself out of those doors like a bullet. If you want to get out of there fast, then there’s no better song to have in the background! This song’s healing properties quadruple if you either:
  • Just bombed the quiz/midterm/test after studying – It happens! A lot of material is difficult, and we can’t win every time
  • Didn’t do the reading for class and didn’t participate at all – Again, we’re all busy, but if you “get better” and participate more next week, I’m sure your professor will forget about today
  • Are ready to just go nuts and get up to some debauchery outside with your closest friends – I cannot stress this enough: the lyrics have to apply to the situation! Getting better only comes after staring at the interstate and screaming at yourself!

Hopefully by now, you’ve realized that feelings are a complicated thing, and sometimes it’s difficult to put into words what exact mood you’re experiencing at the moment. So, let the songs decide! Go for a walk and groove out for a bit; I promise it’s fun!

Watch Out For Pedestrians Getting Their Absolute Groove On via Photoshop