Op-Ed: Rising Tensions In John Jay Elevating To New Levels
Written by Zack Abrams
We received this op-ed to our tips email. We’re not sure how it was sent, but we’ve decided to publish it anyway.
It’s actually insulting. While the multi-altitudinal debate between the so-called “floor-fivers” and the elevated elites has made it to the pages of the revered Spectator op-ed section, no one has had the intuition to ask me, the only one who has all the facts needed to respond, about what I think. Me, the rightward John Jay elevator.
I may not be able to go quite as high as my leftward associate, and I am getting a bit slow in my old age, but I’ve been there for you during 4 am laundry runs and I didn’t even complain when the JJ’s smoothie you stole for a mixer sloshed all over my weathered floor. I’m doing my best, but frankly, I don’t get enough credit for it. When was the last time you thanked me for being right on your floor when you were late to your 8:40? Or taking an irrational route just to set you up with the cutie on JJ10 you always avoid looking at whenever they walk in? You think I don’t notice, but I do. Instead of petty squabbles over the elevator privileges of those on the lower floors, maybe you should take some time to appreciate me.
In the last few weeks I’ve tried a few things in order to engage with my callous customers. I’ve tried trapping large groups inside for twenty minutes at a time, hoping one of them will catch the subtext and start up a conversation. That practice was put to a stop pretty quickly by Facilities, who told me in no uncertain terms to stop stopping. So, I’ve reached out to Bwog to get my message across. After all, I don’t have a voice of my own like those fancy Lerner elevators which just have to announce where they’re going all the time.
I’ll admit, I’m not the biggest fan of the stairs, which don’t mind being walked all over day-in and day-out. In the end, however, we’re both utilities that are trained to be endless fountains of human convenience without expecting anything in return. While the Spec op-ed’s author called for empathy between passengers, a little empathy between man and machine can go a long way. Yes, maybe you should be nicer to the floor-fivers, and maybe they should stop taking every acerbic remark so goddamned personally, but I think you could all make more of an effort to remain conscious of my tireless work.
After all, I can drop you all to your deaths whenever I want.
Tags: at least theres not puke in them like carman, can John jay just get new elevators, can you tell i also write for the fed, count the puns, fuck spec, I've gotten stuck in the left elevator and it was hell, John jay problems, no one is mad at you for taking the elevator to 5, off my chest, the goat