Dec

8

Campus Buildings As Forms Of Contraception

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A snapshot of some popular forms of contraception. Campus buildings not included.

Yeah, you just reached the weird part of Bwog. Tag yourself.

Lerner = The Pull Out Method. Whoever designed this, like, wasn’t thinking, at all. We don’t care that he was an alum. Don’t try this at home. Lights up purple sometimes.

Barnard Quad Buildings = The Pill. Kind of annoying, but always there for you when you need it. Doesn’t work if you do it at the wrong time. ‘Chastity gates’ close at 11 pm. Seems like basically everyone has been here, done that. Baby form of birth control.

Hamilton = Copper IUD. Only one FDA-approved brand (Paragard). Lowkey famous but not as big as the pill. 99% effective. Might give you cramps but lasts 12 years. A bitch if you take the stairs. Should be free with insurance under the Affordable Care Act, but they will stiff you.

Butler = The Patch. Extremely visible. Not easy to forget about. Gets the job done but kind of a turn off. Literally stuck onto your skin.

Maison Française = Condom. Oldest thing on campus. Used to be part of an insane asylum but actually nice inside. Comes with wine. Can be uncomfortable and can break if used incorrectly.

Diana Center = Internal Condom. Most Columbia guys don’t know how to get here or how to use it. Not very effective. All the walls are red. Off-brand Starbucks on first floor that doesn’t accept gold cards.

LeFrak Center = Spermicide. Literally kills sperm. What actually is this? Again, dudes don’t really know this one. Used to be a gym, that was the last place Malcolm X spoke publicly before getting assassinated. Temporary Barnard Library.

Low Library = The Shot. Seems cool in theory but you have to actually do it once every three months. Easy to forget about. PrezBo’s office is here, but he’s never there.

Kent = Hormonal IUD. Hamilton’s prettier/more popular cousin, but only lasts 3-6 years. You can get stickers here. Elevator is still shitty.

Mudd = The Implant. A literal rod in your arm. Will bruise on insertion. Easy to forget about except when bae holds your upper arm. Slowly becoming more hip. MakerSpace inside. Upper level form of birth  control.

EC = Sterilization. Life-altering, but you’ve thought it through. You can never have kids. Good views of the city. Potential for what your future might look like.

Any Frat House = Abstinence. A little gross, full of mostly cis men with whom everyone has at least a little reservation about sleeping with. You’ll probably end up here at some point in your life, and you probably won’t wanna go back.

Srat House = Plan B. What did you think? You got the shittiest number possible in the housing lottery. Thank god you rushed, though. Living here will make you moody for months on end, but at least you are safe.

Math Building = The Calendar Method. You have to be really good at math for this. Hard. Still doesn’t work sometimes. Advanced form of birth control.

Contraceptives graphic via Macrovector on Dreamstime

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2 Comments

  1. Anonymous  

    I don't know how/why but this actually seems ... right?

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