Campus Elevator Rankings
Written by Youngweon Lee
If the title isn’t self-explanatory enough, this post is a ranking of elevators on campus.
- EC elevators: They’re gross on the weekends and break down sometimes, but that’s part of the adventure. Normally, they’re pretty clean and very fast. It’s not the elevators’ fault that people destroy them every weekend.
- Broadway elevators: They’re fast, clean, and reliable. What more can one ask for in an elevator? They might even be better than EC elevators because I’ve never seen empty Coors Light cans in them, but EC elevators are more fun.
- Schapiro elevators: Clean, fast, and reliable. Except who lives in Schapiro? Are elevators good elevators if there’s no one around to use them?
- Diana elevators: Reliable and red. Not the fastest, but it doesn’t matter because the building isn’t super high.
- Lerner elevators: Usually pretty reliable except when they’re “being modernized.” Kind of slow but it doesn’t matter too much because it’s not a high building. Lerner is a horribly designed building, though, and these elevators aren’t red, so they’re behind Diana.
- Alumni center elevators: According to Finn, they’re “awesome” like a “luxurious hotel” but exclusive.
- Butler stacks elevators: Pretty fast, clean, reliable, and there are four of them. They’re just really loud and annoying if you’re trying to study in the stacks.
- 110 elevators: Fairly fast, and usually clean and reliable. But the last time I was in one of them, they were padded like a building under construction and smelled weird. Also weird lighting.
- Furnald elevators: According to a resident, 8/10 for cleanliness, 8/10 for speed, and 10/10 for reliability, but they don’t go up to the top floor (10th) where there are big rooms and no RAs.
- Knox elevators: Apparently they’re really clean, reliable, and fast, but where even is Knox? Like with Schapiro, are elevators good elevators if there’s no one around to use them?
- Noco elevators: Nice, new, and clean, but they are intimidating because of the lab spaces, professors, and scary grad students. Also kind of slow.
- IAB elevators: “Supposedly Grayson Kirk, [then-]president of Columbia, ordered top-of-the-line Otis elevators during construction. Unfortunately, the building ran way over budget and President Kirk decided to save money and buy cheap elevators. These elevators take about as long as your professor took to submit grades last semester and are about as smooth as a SEAS freshman in Mel’s. Many [political science professors] call the elevators ‘Grayson’s [Folly]'” (from the comments).
- Butler main elevators: They’re slow and sometimes smell bad, and a lot of annoying people take them from the second floor to the third, but they’re big and have the cool analog floor location dial (?) on the second floor.
- Philosophy elevator: There’s only one and it’s really slow and dark. Otherwise unremarkable.
- Hartley elevators: Kinda slow and bad lighting but pretty reliable. The building is a maze, though, and if you go up the wrong elevator, you’ll have to do a few somersaults through a different dimension to get where you need to be.
- Schermerhorn: Slow but reliable. Not super big. Better lighting than Hartley elevators. Schermerhorn as a building is absolutely horrible, though, and probably should be razed to the ground. My very first class at Columbia was in Schermerhorn Extension and even the professor got lost (it was his first day, too). Literally a true story. I was the only one who was in the room at 10:10 am.
- Carman main elevators: In their purest state, Carman elevators are spacious and fast. But when you add hundreds of freshmen, all hell breaks loose. Various bodily (or other) fluids are normal to witness. They break a lot and can get very crowded. So much wasted potential.
- Harmony elevator: There’s only one elevator, but it’s just “a regular elevator,” according to a resident. He gave it a gold star for trying and put it between Carman and Pupin.
- Carman service elevator: It’s hidden in a shady corner of the first floor, but it’s a good alternative if both main elevators are broken.
- Low Steps elevator: A public safety officer has to open it for you and it’s not fast, nor reliable, nor very clean. It is an important accessibility feature, however, in a campus full of stairs everywhere.
- Pupin elevators: Not bad as elevators, but Pupin as a building is objectively horrible. It’s also a national historic landmark, so we can’t even dream of razing it to the ground.
- Mudd elevators: Smell bad. Are in Mudd. “Notoriously slow… and dangerous” according to Bwog Archives (see image above).
- Left McBain elevator: Slightly faster and less reliable than the right one. Jumpy, loud, and anxiety-inducing. Small. Does weird things where it goes right past your floor that you’re waiting at even if you pressed the button. Horrible lighting.
- John Jay elevators: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- Right McBain elevator: Slightly slower and more reliable than the left one. Small. Horrible lighting.
- Plimpton elevators: “They take 20 minutes to close after you press the floor you want and more often than not there’s a dead cockroach in the corner” (from Facebook comments).
- Kent elevator: It’s tiny, cramped, and slow. If you’re claustrophobic at all, avoid at all costs.
- Hamilton elevator: Notice that “elevator” is in the singular here. It’s simply insufficient for the number of people in Hamilton at any given time. The building is also always very warm, so by the time you make your trek to the 7th floor, you will be soaked in sweat, no matter what time of the year it is. It’s also tiny and super slow. Absolutely horrible.
- Woodbridge elevator: Another singular tiny “elevator” for a building that has around 160 residents (78 doubles and 6 singles according to Columbia Housing). I think this one’s also slower than the Hamilton elevator. It has an ugly green swing door, too.
- Goldsmith elevator: “Likely the shittiest… pre-WWI, broke down for nearly a month last spring, isn’t supposed to be occupied by more than 3 people at a time and serves a 6 story building with nearly 200 people living in it” (from the comments).
Mudd Elevators via Bwog Archives
Tags: a friend dropped her phone down a carman elevator shaft once, i hate pupin bye, if you take the hamilton elevators how do you get to class on time, the mcbain elevators are not equal, what other elevators are there on campus?