Fake Reviews of Unofficial Columbia Traditions
Written by Idris O'Neill
Bwog Baby and full-time critic Idris O’Neill contemplates her time at Barnard, providing arbitrary number assignments (like GPAs) to things that aren’t real (like academia). This time, Columbia is the one that gets graded and there is no P/D/F-ing this review.
Primal Scream – 7/10
Worth it. Did not know at first this was a campus tradition – I heard other people screaming and I joined. Right there. In Butler. Got strange looks from people studying as if my single voice inside Butler was even remotely more distracting than the tens of people outside. Whatever.
Big Sub – 1/10
More like Big Disappointment. Get that dry ass sandwich out of my face.
Stacks sex – 2/10
Took a history major to level 9. Some guy who (I think) posted about me on Columbia Crushes. Experience was bad from start to finish. We awkwardly sexiled the single person studying in the stacks which like why are you studying here anyway? So anyway I’m having this awful time – cobwebs in my hair, dust literally everywhere, and this dude is calling me some other girl’s name. The experience was so harrowing my virginity came back.
Midnight Breakfast – 8/10
Hewitt breakfast served cold? Awful. Sian Beilock serving me eggs? Priceless.
Orgo Night protest – 4/10
Probably one of the most futile things I’ve ever exerted energy into protesting. Stood outside in the cold for like half an hour waiting for the band to literally do anything without my gloves and not in the most appropriate coat. Guy next to me kept telling me how happy he was to see someone else protesting and then went on to talk about how his parents voted Trump but he would never vote Republican. Right. I’m staying home next year.
Dodge sauna – 10/10
Seriously, no one comes here enough. And if after reading this, you feel compelled to go: don’t. This is my haven. I didn’t make the entire 30 minutes, but god can you imagine what hotboxing the sauna must be like? Or a hot oil treatment? Bring a towel, a friend, and ambivalence to nudity.
Tree lighting – 6/10
I came for Mistress America. Missed most of it because I was too busy trying to figure out what the speakers were saying to realize the tree lighting was happening behind me. Thankfully, the lights went out and I got to see them relit. Points deducted for disorganization, but a firm 6 for that feeling I still get when I walk through the lights.
EC sunrise – 9/10
Waking up on some stranger’s couch after crashing at an EC rager is not how I spend most Sunday mornings, but seeing the sun filter in from that wall-to-wall window and Amsterdam at its most remote, I was overcome with this serenity, almost, this life-affirming, reassuring relief I had not felt since I had ever learned to feel. So yes, I was sitting on a rando’s couch, my shirt stained with vomit (questionably mine), my vodka breath offending even me – but in this strange moment, all of that was okay.
Deducted one point for the inability to experience it for the first time again.
Tags: bad bwitches only, how do i write about butler as a person who has never been, i literally wrote this as a promo for the dodge sauna, ive only actually done a few of these but am fictionalizing accounts for the laughs