Isabel’s Fight List: That Senior Wisdom Nomination That Someone, Somewhere, Is Sending Right Now
Written by Isabel Sepúlveda
Daily editor and lapsed black belt Isabel Sepúlveda has loved Columbia during her first year, but nothing is perfect. And since she’s stopping practicing Tae Kwon Do for the time being, she’s using her new favorite outlet for venting her frustration at minor inconveniences: Bwog!
As every semester comes to a close, we here at Bwog take the time to turn to our graduating seniors and ask them to offer their wisdom to current and future generations of Columbia students. It’s a time-honored tradition and stands alongside housing coverage and anytime readers want to question our journalistic integrity as one of our most popular. Everyone is clamoring to see themselves and their friends answer the oral sex or cheese question and ask us to pour one out for Cannon’s one last time.
But, for better or for worse, we don’t have enough time to share the wisdom of every senior who has blessed Morningside Heights with their presence and tuition dollars, leading us to open a nomination process in the weeks leading up to the end of the semester. Especially in the spring, this helps us filter through all of our amazing seniors to find the 40 or so we feature at the end of every year.
It’s a process and by the time we post all these cheese puns, all the decisions are made. So that’s why I’m asking you to please step away from that email you’re currently writing to firstname.lastname@example.org telling us that we absolutely have to feature the wisdom of your best friend or your sophomore year RA. We understand that they’re important to you, in some way, and most of the time, we love it when you email us. But also, my sanity is important to me so I’m asking you kindly to delete the draft and go back to procrastinate packing/unpacking/napping some other way.
The nomination process/timeline exists for a reason. I know that time is a social construct and all that jazz, but like that one asshole LitHum professor you had freshman year, it’s one that we’re pretty strict with. Why should we take the time to disrupt our process if you couldn’t find the time in the weeks (that is weeks plural) to pour out your eternal love and affection for that senior in your life? Midterms and finals may wait for no one, but we reminded you, made your life even easier with a nifty Google form, and honestly, you were probably just bingeing the new season of A Series of Unfortunate Events anyway.
And honestly, while a good number of them are heartfelt explanations about why so-and-so deserves a senior wisdom, there are way too many that are just “Hi my name is Devin, you should definitely give my best friend Derek a senior wisdom. He has a lot of wisdom to share! I hope to see him on the site soon!”
Okay, Devin. Look here. First you waited until 3 weeks after the deadline to send this in, which is basically a nonstarter. But even if we were going to consider letting Derek tell us that he’d rather have a girl suck his dick than enjoy a nice wheel of brie, you’re going to have to half-ass it slightly less than that p-set that’s already 3 weeks late. You’ve not given us a single good reason to consider Derek. Did he feed hungry orphans in Africa while curing cancer? Win a national spelling bee in 5th grade? Take 11 vodka shots during NSOP and have to get CAVA’d on his first night at Columbia? What has Derek done for this community that might make him stand out from every other senior who wants to look back fondly on the days before Ferris’ two staircases and 22-hour JJs?
Fuck you, Devin and the 8000 other emails I’ve trashed immediately. Juniors, if you’ve spent your last 3 years crafting your perfect oral sex or cheese responses, make sure you or your friends nominate you on time next year or your wit will be lost to the abyss forever.
Could I beat them in a fight? Unfortunately, no. There are way too fucking many and I’d be overwhelmed instantly.
Self-defense tip: Punching someone always seems like a good idea, but it’s very easy to get wrong (bent wrists, thumbs tucked into the fist, the list goes on). Even if you do everything right, a good hit or two could easily do damage to the delicate bones found in your hand. Instead, if you find yourself needing to defend yourself in a bad situation, use your elbows as much as possible; they’re much more effective and you’re less likely to end up heading to the hospital as well. (Bwog doesn’t actually condone violence; please don’t just go around randomly punching people in the face)
Tags: there's a lot of oral sex or cheese in here because it's the only question that matters, we do know there's enough to be mad at about this campus though, when you reach master rank in tae kwon do they give you a sword, will there be more of these? we have no idea, your hands are delicate flowers please don't use them for punching unless absolutely necessary