Mar

27

From the Issue: Should You Break Up?

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Be on the lookout for the February issue of The Blue & White, on campus now! Bwog will again honor our heritage/amorous affair with our mother magazine by posting features from the upcoming issue. Such treats include the first part of a discussion on the Columbia School, a visit to the Lamont-Doherty Earth Observatory, and a talk about, well, self-pleasure. Below, Sylvie Krekow and Adam Kuerbitz untangle the intricacies of the human dating cycle.

Affirmative, by Sylvie Krekow

Illustration by Adela Yawitz, CC '12

He’s looking a little pudgy lately. Why do I spend, like, twenty minutes on the treadmill, once a week, if he’s going to just let himself go? What are we, married? Ugh, he’s finally getting out of bed. And he wants me to walk with him to class. Sorry, I think I just developed a debilitating case of the regrets; I’m going to skip today. Don’t wait up!

I don’t know why I keep getting sucked into doing things with him. Last night he dragged me to a shitty cover band of the Counting Crows or something and I had to drink myself into a borderline CAVA-worthy state just to refrain from slitting my wrists. That’s probably why I let him touch my left boob on the cab ride back—at least until the cab driver threatened to kick us out because I started dry heaving.

I’m really not trying to be a heartless bitch, but I haven’t had a case of buyer’s remorse this bad since Skinny Girl margarita mix came out. The only time we’ve ever talked at length is this one time I was so high I ended up ordering HamDel delivery just for a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. In retrospect, both were terrible decisions. I think I told him I was “obsessed” with Morrissey—wow. Like that’s something that hasn’t been said by every college student who smokes weed before.

And it’s so embarrassing when he tries to hang out with my friends. The other night he yelled “Ni hao!” at my friend Lee and started talking to him about communism. Um, hello, Lee grew up on 5th & Park, not a rural village in China. I don’t even want to introduce him to my friends who are actually ethnic. Can you even imagine? Also, let’s talk about his super-endearing quirks for a second? Like his refusal to eat anywhere besides John Jay (“Dude, have you ever had their mint-chip lactose-free fro-yo? Sick!”) and his insistence that, yes, longboarding down College Walk wearing Kanye glasses is somehow “collegiate-hip.” Also, I borrowed his computer the other day and realized his homepage was Thought Catalog. Yikes. And let’s not kid ourselves, he’s not that attractive. I’m fairly certain at this point I’m taller than him, despite his pathetic insistence that he’s 5’11”. I’ve really only kept him around this long because I know he’s getting a job at Goldman when he graduates. But at this point, why date a banker bro if the thought of having weekly Barney’s binges followed by the tasting menu at Per Se doesn’t even turn me on anymore?

Most pathetically, he’s just a terrible boyfriend. For Valentine’s day I expected, at the bare minimum, a dozen hand-cut organic locally grown hydroponically cultivated Casablanca Lilies and a Diamants Légers bracelet from Cartier. Instead, I got a look that said, “I promise to go down on you for once tonight,” and a heart-shaped box of chocolate from Duane Reade. Vom. Speaking of eating out, he just texted me asking if I wanted to grab dinner. I guess tonight’s the night to tell him we have about as much of a future as Bobbi and Whitney.

Negative, by Adam Kuerbitz

Illustration by Adela Yawitz, CC '12

She’s so hot. I almost can’t bring myself to leave, she looks so good asleep—but I’ve been late for this class three times already and the TA is starting to notice. He gives me that horrible little smirk and makes a check on some piece of paper. I didn’t know when I signed up for 9 a.m. “Metropole and Colony” that I would have a girlfriend three weeks into the semester. There should be some kind of allowance for that.

She’s worth it, though. Last night we went downtown for a Black Keys cover band at Webster Hall and got super sloppy at a whiskey bar in Alphabet City. We fooled around in a cab on the way home until the cab driver nearly pulled over on the FDR and kicked us out. Brooklyn was flying by so fast and she was so into me. I was like Michael J. Fox in Bright Lights, Big City, minus all the heartache. Was that a book too?

I don’t mean to sound like a 16-year-old girl, but I haven’t felt this secure in a relationship in a long time. Things with Sara never really panned out and, when I’m honest with myself, I kind of knew they wouldn’t. She was too into herself and her stupid friends. Not Sylvie, though. I can’t have the most earnest two-hour conversation with someone about the merits of Morrissey’s career with the Smiths versus his solo work and not be convinced she’s my soulmate. I was beaming for days after that conversation just thinking about what our life will be like together. I bet she’s the kind of a girl who wouldn’t object to giving our daughter a guy’s name like Ryan or something.

I’m really integrating myself into her friend group, too. I think I hit it off with that guy with all the tattoos in Sanskrit the other night talking about Free Tibet. The Japanese really need to get up on that situation. It’s so cool that her friends are so engaged with human rights events. I definitely need to read up on that— that guy was looking at me kind of funny.

I also love how she doesn’t get on my ass about silly girl crap. Like the other day when she was going to spend Valentine’s Day with her friend who works at Google? So cool. So low-key. Didn’t have to buy flowers or nothing. So I made a decision last night while I was watching Sylvie fall asleep. She does this adorable thing where she rubs her feet together an even number of times when she rolls onto one side. Melts my heart. Anyway, I’m going to ask her to come home with me over Spring Break. Her friends all want to roadtrip to some music festival in Pennsylvania, but I don’t think she really wants to go. We’re definitely at that point where I need to make a move to show her how serious I am about this. I’ll take her out for dinner tonight and ask her then.

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23 Comments

  1. I lol'd when  

    it implied there was any worth to meaningful human relationships.

    • Anonymous  

      I was in love once. It was really good.
      Also, pounding that puss is an additional benefit of human relationships. As opposed to goat relationships.

    • Alvy Singer

      ...this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, uh, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken,' and uh, the doctor says, 'well why don't you turn him in?' And the guy says, 'I would, but I need the eggs.' Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and, but uh, I guess we keep going through it...because...most of us need the eggs.

      • Anonymous  

        that was one of the most brilliant comments I have ever read on BWOG

        • Anonymous  

          Do you realize that Alvy Singer is the protagonist of Woody Allen's "Annie Hall", and that the comment you so enjoyed is actually the final words of that film?

          Yes, the quote is awesome, but your comment implies you are not yet aware of that terrific film... I recommend you rectify that asap.

  2. Anonymous

    there do exist girls who aren't stuck up bitches

  3. Anonymous  

    Have you ever noticed that the MEDIAN is invariably HIGHER than the MEAN at Columbia? Seriously, every class I've ever taken, the exam distribution is skewed to the left (http://www.philender.com/courses/intro/notes2/skew2.gif).

    Seems like the majority of students will do quite well, with around 10% performing extraordinarily, but the remainder will be scattered well below the mean.

    Explanations?

  4. Anonymous  

    Have you ever noticed that the MEDIAN is invariably HIGHER than the MEAN at Columbia? Seriously, every class I've ever taken, the exam distribution is skewed to the left.

    Seems like the majority of students will do quite well, with around 10% performing extraordinarily, but the remainder will be scattered well below the mean.

    Explanations?

    • Anonymous  

      if the median was higher than the mean, that would mean that most people did well, but there's a few students who probably did way worse than everyone else (i.e. sports players)
      also, skewed to the left means that the top of the curve is on the right, not the left of the graph, just in case.

    • Anonymous  

      i think that's probably pretty typical no matter where you go. how many people aced those exams you're talking about? one might assume that the distribution would be more similar on the left and right sides of the median if only there were opportunity for those far to the right to go higher than 100/100. this is perhaps why many exams in SEAS classes have medians in the 50s or 60s, to enable those that perform extraordinarily to show just how extraordinary they are. also, i'd say it's highly more likely to find a student who maybe had a tough week, is not comfortable with the material, or is just damn lazy, than a student who has either taken the class before, has a lot of time on their hands, or is naturally gifted in the field. amiright? but hey, brah, why all the worry? aren't you here to compete with yourself to become the best you can be and not to compete with other students?...or something cute like that? *roars in laughter at the thought of a columbia kid not being competitive*

      • Anonymous  

        This is typical no matter where you go? Um hello dumbass, listen to the words coming out of your mouth.

        A normal distribution is typical and to be expected no matter where you go. That's why it's called normal.

        And op, the answer you're looking for is affirmative action / athletes / both

  5. just a note  

    This was pretty funny, I laughed throughout.

    My only note is that I think that as writers, we should refrain from joking about self-harm. It is a serious issue and many of us struggle (or have struggled) with it.

  6. yes okay cool but  

    who is playing at bacchanal?

  7. JA  

    Bitches are attracted to money and power, guys are attracted to boobs and ass. Please develop yourself accordingly in case you are looking for a partner.

  8. Anonymous  

    "Vom."

    Classic Sylvie : )

  9. Anonymous

    Why does this sound like the beginning of every romantic comedy where the lead is a guy? (guy thinks girl is really into him, girl isn't so she breaks his heart, he ends up moping, finds another girl who he might be into, shenanigans ensue including ex-girlfriend who is now into him because he's into someone else, blah blah blah, happy ending)

  10. Anonymous

    honestly, relationships are a joke. be single, be merry--these are the best years of our lives, you don't want to remember them as being held down by an anchor, do you? no.
    set yourself free!

    • CC  

      It's only an anchor if it's like the relationship above! Been taken since freshmen year and I couldn't be happier. Not to mention all my single friends always whine about being single or when people stay in relationships when they obviously aren't happy.

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