Guest Writer Linus Glenhaber investigates what he assumes will be the next varsity sport.

I am bad at estimating how long it will take me to get to class. Nothing is worse, however than arriving at a building with the knowledge that you’ll get to class on time, only to be caught by having to maintain a Green Pass. Being able to pass your daily attestation as quickly as possible, then, is an essential Columbia skill. Is there a lower limit to how long this can take? I resolved to find out.

To make the competition, I set some ground rules. Each contestant’s phone had to be locked, and afterward, they had to say what the three things that preceded the “none of the above” option; speed is important, but so is making sure that you know what you’re filling out. (Do you know what they are? Answers are at the bottom of the article.) It also goes without saying, but each contestant had no symptoms and was eligible to get a green pass. Please don’t lie and endanger people just so you can go to class.

Without further ado, here are the times:

Nico: 18.75 seconds. For some reason, it didn’t register when he clicked the button. He did know all three questions, however.

Nathan: 16.33 seconds. ReopenCU is on the fourth page on his phone, and it took a while for him to even find it—bad form if you want to break the ten-second attestation record. 

Shannon: 9.20 seconds. She had already done the attestation that day, so needed to click through one more page in order to attest again. This hurdle probably cost her second place. She knew all three questions. 

Linus: 7.56 seconds. In the spirit of this speedrun, I was already late for work when I timed this. I only knew 2 of the 3 things that I was attesting to off the top of my head, though (it turns out one of them isn’t asking if you’re vaccinated).

Karime: 5.78 seconds. I have no words. Incredible.

Additionally, I asked a friend at NYU, how long it took him to attest to his (lack of) symptoms. He reported back that it took 45 seconds. Apparently, the attestation is in the NYU mobile app with a bunch of other much less useful pages. In a way, we may all be winners for not having any time close to that.

Good luck to any contestants who think they can get a time below five seconds. In the meantime, continue to monitor if you have any symptoms of COVID-19, and remember to wear a mask indoors!

You must attest that you:  1. Are not symptomatic, 2. Have not been in contact with anyone who tested positive for COVID-19 and 3: Have not tested positive.

ReopenCU Green Pass via Bwog Staff