Not following these rules won’t fly.

Dear inexperienced flyers, 

Here’s what you need to know:

(and, yes, I know you’re out there! Bwog knows all…

But we also know because: 

1. NYC can be a small world despite how it may feel at times.
2. Columbia students look like college students. *SHOCKER* yep, main character syndrome denied.
3. All of the above, etc. etc.)

Right. Onto business!

Rule #1: Bring a non-wifi-reliant activity on the plane.

I, personally, am fond of pdfs. That may be nerdy, but look who has the pdf. Ah! Gotcha there, so buckle up (Rule #obvious) and listen:

For any fan of the show Billions, that’s really unfortunate, because you aren’t watching that episode. It is not airing, in the air. Nope, not happening, no siree—at least not when I was on Delta. 

(Darn you, Delta. First the Delta-variant and now this. If it weren’t for your bite-sized biscoff biscuity biscuits, I’d never fly again! But … uh … can i get another cookie please?)

You’re not getting Grey’s Anatomy (which I love), Emily in Paris (which I don’t care for), Criminal Minds (which I love), or Euphoria (which I don’t care for. It might even be worse than After *shudders*). Take your debate to the comments, please. 

Your next best bet (say that five times fast) is to navigate to Google, two minutes before the flight, and search up the book “Black Edge: Inside Information” by Sheelah Kolhatkar. That’s the book Billions was based on! It’s not as good as Damian Lewis and Paul Giamatti going head to head, but then, what is? I’ll wait. 

*Drums fingernails on desk in fake anticipation* 

Just do yourself a favor and download the pdf.

For those of you who aren’t yet fans of Billions, you should be. The show makes you feel smart. End of story … except when it isn’t … 

Lucky for you, Season 6 just dropped, so get watching. Downloading. Whichever and whatever. 

Moving on 2 Rule #2: Charge. Your. Phone.

Seems obvious. It innit. 

That’s why airports are stocked with the most expensive charge cords and boxes known to man. They know we’re human and will take complete advantage of this imperfection.

It’s a full on tech store out there, set up right next to the overpriced granola bars! The audacity of these people! 

You, and I, do not need to be spending $60 on a phone cord, only to realize that the box only contains the phone cord. No box. NO BOX! 

Where be my box??

Absolutely terrible. 

Rule #3: Pretty much the same as Rule #2. Don’t buy any food item without first checking the price. 

Those carrot sticks in the Vegetable Snack Box might be lookin’ mighty fine, but they are about as fresh and crisp as your imminent shock is going to be when you realize … when you realize … realize that THREE sticks, literal orange sticks, cost you twelve smackaroos! $12!!! 🤢 🤮 🥕🥕🥕

Your wallet is crying. So am I.

Rule #4: Do not check your luggage.

Do not feel pressured to check your luggage when the airport personnel announce that they may not have room on board. Do not succumb to the pressure.

Actually, please do, so that there’s space for my luggage.

But seriously, there is usually always enough space on board. You don’t want to wait for Baggage Claim to move its sorry silver ass along, so don’t check; unless, of course, you don’t mind the walk and wait. 

The walk and wait. How quaint. How alluring.

Rule #5: Waiting for your group to be called is stressful but should not be. 

As they call Military members and First-class—all those people you wish you were but are not—the Main Cabiners and Basicers will line up as if a horn will beep. Then they’ll all run down the plane plank as one (this very experienced flyer does not know the technical term). 

The horn will beep and luggage will hit luggage, spittle will fly, and it’ll be good ol’ luggage bumper cars.

Solidarity! Solidarity! Solidarity! 

 She’s a runner she’s a track star 

If you’re really that stressed, when they call Main Cabin One, go up with your ticket and get on the flight. You can always preface the scanning of the ticket with a “I wasn’t sure which zone I was in.” This works.

For legal purposes—No, just kidding. The first time I did this, I really was the inexperienced, innocent flyer. Who’s to say I’m not anymore?

Rule #6: Check Multiple Airlines for flights 

When you’re on hold, Delta may say it’ll be a 2 hour wait, but what they mean is NEVER. Goodbye.

So don’t bother listening to terrible music all day—have them call YOU back. And once they do, do not let them put you on hold again! They will never return. On to bigger and better things, I guess. 

You’re better off just doing the work yourself. Check American Airlines. United. Whatever. Don’t waste your time on the phone.

Delta, if you’re out there, and don’t want more slander, please give me free flights. 

Rule #7: Even if you’re shy, at least say “hello” to the person sitting next to you on the plane.

This is so you don’t sit in awkwardness for over an hour because you have nothing better to do because you didn’t bring a non-wifi activity because you didn’t listen to Bwog. It is not fun, trust me.

I can still picture the dude, trying to watch his show. I’m sorry I made you nervous by not saying anything. I’m sorry you rewinded your show five times, like re-reading a sentence again and again. I was in a shy mood, and sad. T’was my flight home after finals. Absolutely wrecked. Please understand.

Rule #8: If your seat partner is traveling with a cat, prepare yourself for a loud flight.

On the opposite side of the aisle, one seat up, there’s sure to be a poor, barking dog with an immature, embarrassed dad. The cat and dog always seem to find each other on these things. 

Again, solidarity. 

Rule #9: Put your luggage up before a Frat dude comes along.

He’ll take up space with his “important, official documents” that could’ve gone in his suitcase. Dude, c’mon 😂😭 

Or 💡 Better yet! Put your suitcase on top of his documents <<< what I should have done lmaooo i am a genius you can thank me later

A flyer is a person who flies, and a flier is the piece of paper you hang up when your dog (the loud, barking dog on the plane?) has left you, or might it be the opposite?

This English major isn’t sure. 

Finally, Rule #10: These rules are now your Golden Rule. 

Take them and fly … or don’t.

Um, hello? Amtrak, I need you. Please, save me!

Thank you and best of luck on your flights!!

                          — from Lady Whistledown 

Okay, okay *sighs 

From your semi … okay, somewhat … experienced flyer

P.S. So maybe this was a Delta slander post. I’m okay with that. Still valuable info to be found here and at the Bwog <333

whistledown plane image via author

all other images via author