Yes, there are better options than the Guaranteed List.

So, it happened. Barnard’s 6-person lottery has come to a close, and you’ve found yourself without a suite. Maybe you were one of the 18 groups this year to have a lottery number so dismal you didn’t get to pick a suite at all. Maybe you decided the suite life just isn’t for you after all! Maybe your housing group took a Shakespearean tragic turn and was lost before it even had a chance to achieve its full potential. Sure, you could resituate your group to enter the 123 lottery or even sign up for the Guaranteed List, but, for a moment, let’s imagine a different future. After all, once the excitement of choosing a room dies down, do we really want to think about what comes next? 

Squat in your current dorm 

This one is the most obvious—simply refuse to leave! After nine beautiful months, your dorm room probably doesn’t want you to leave, either. Sure, you’ll have to stage an elaborate scheme to make ResLife believe your room is empty, but honestly, how hard could that possibly be? 

Live in Diana 

Barnumbia’s greatest armchair selection? Two cafeterias? A view of campus? If you plan to stay in Manhattan, there’s a chance the Diana Center might be the nicest place you’ll live. Sure, there aren’t “beds,” per se, but there is the monochromatic, Blueberry Muffin-chic living room that is LL2, which is arguably nicer than most of the Quad, anyway. 

Move into The Met, a la From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler

What could be better than living in The Met? The perfect blend of Night at the Museum, John Green’s Paper Towns, and Blair Waldorf, it’s the ultimate manic pixie dreamgirl move for the ultimate manic pixie dreamgirl school.

Alternatively: this, but at 60 Morningside Dr. 

Live on the secret fifth floor of Milbank

This Atlantis of Barnard’s campus is impossible to get to, so if you can brave the maze that is Milbank’s fourth floor, the only access point, and manage the indescribably steep climb, this weird little hidden gem may be perfect for you. Literally no one will notice you except the theatre professors, who—I hope—will admire your dedication. 

Reclaim Buell

Why should the wealthy gentlemen suffering from mental affliction have all the fun? Columbia would not have left this little house standing if they didn’t want you to live there! Embrace the delusion. If Maison Française was not enticing enough to make Timothée stay, then it’s not enough to stop you from living out your 19th-century asylum cottagecore fantasy.

Assume an RA’s identity and move into their suite-style single

For legal reasons, this is a joke. Don’t do this.

Add your name to the Columbia housing lottery 

If they have yet to start housing selection, they don’t have their shit together enough to notice you slip through the cracks.

Drop out 

It’s approximately $11,131 less than paying for housing, anyway.

The Met via Wikimedia Commons