Guest Writer Emma Burris: Who would’ve thought the Columbia Admissions Office would select so many BDSM-passionate students this year?

We’ve all seen the Class of 2026 on campus. We can’t ignore their statistics or the confused masses congregating in John Jay, but we still don’t know much about who they truly are. Well, what better way to introduce them than by having a look at their GroupMe chats?

They’re interested in joining many clubs on campus.

Business societies, newspapers, and political groups? Out. BDSM? In.

They’re passionate about politics.

Does this suggest that Clarence Thomas actually caused the war in Ukraine and the subsequent rise in gas prices?

They’re academically curious.

Unsure what this is about, but a bit concerned about the use of the word “less” pedophilia. How about no pedophilia?

 They’re educated on the impact of pop culture in today’s society.

Maybe they would be interested in the Columbia Minecraft Club.

They have a wide range of diverse extracurricular experiences.

They seem to spend more time reading Columbia fanfic than the Iliad.
New club in the making?

They’re always willing to lend a helping hand to a classmate in need.

Share if you’re a true misogynist.
I mean, free food…

They’re excited to make use of on-campus spaces.

They’re nature lovers.

(And subway haters.)

They always come up with creative ways to get their point across.

(i.e. insult their classmates)

Did a Columbia College student infiltrate the Barnard group chat?

They’re honorable and denounce plagiarism.

Columbia students: 2 
Writing bots: 0

They’re invested in the collaboration between all four undergraduate colleges. 

(Or the distinction between them.)

As you can see, the Class of 2026 is full of passionate, intelligent, and well-rounded students who will definitely leave their impact on campus.

Chaotic Screenshots via Guest Writer Emma Burris