Dance, monkey, dance!

Columbia has a lovely bunch of athletes. It’s unfortunate that due to campus culture, it’s difficult for the average student to attend games and support. That kind of behavior is limited to the committed die-hard fans, the sports lovers, etc. Columbia Athletics knows this. It’s why they offer pieces of free swag as an incentive to attend.

When skimming the Athletics’ emails, they started small. They were fun t-shirts that said things like “LION PRIDE!” or “LOYAL LION” or something like that. Then, the offerings got lucrative: iPads, Money, and even the chance for free tuition. 

At a time of financial struggle for many, the chance for free tuition with a half-court shot seems absurd, inappropriate, and somewhat dystopian. Kind of reminds me of this. It’s dangling a $65,524 carrot in front of students, hoping to increase the number of undergraduate students in the stands. Personally, I think there are better and more enduring ways to promote participation like, I don’t know, actually investing in the undergraduate student experience by improving student quality of life, supporting student cultural traditions, and investing in mental health. Focus top-down the experience. 

But, much to the administration’s chagrin, that’s expensive. So next time, Athletics will be offering: 

  • NFTs. 
  • Tenure.
  • Twitter.
  • Antidepressants.
  • Apple stock.
  • A homestead.
  • A stake in Manhattanville.
  • Your own personal island.
  • A piece of land in the Midwest.
  • The crown jewels. 
  • A top floor EC suite. 
  • A free tree lighting ceremony mug.
  • All of the Barnard Big Sub.
  • The ability to drop out without the $75 fee.
  • Bump to the front of the waitlist for Furman/CPS.
  • A small island nation that Columbia probably owns.
  • A memorial bench in Riverside park.
  • Paid paparazzi to follow you across campus and cheer. 
  • One (1) free book from a library of your choosing per semester.
  • Free pass to cut the line on poke bowl day at Ferris.
  • Reserved dining hall tables.
  • Signed brick on college walk.
  • Occasional Instagram promo.
  • increase the number of hours in a day so you can get enough sleep.
  • A monogrammed backpack.
  • A servant to feed you grapes midway through the game.
  • A hat that says “I AM A STUDENT ATHLETE.” 

Football Game via Wikimedia Commons