Little Donsters, put your paws up!

Ever since Chef Don’s opened, you have all had so much to say.

And you’re fucking wrong.

“The cheese globs are too big.”

Fuck you. Are you a child? This isn’t Chuck E. Cheese; this is big-kid pizza. This is authentic, homemade mozzarella we’re talking about. The globs can be however big they damn well please. Not every bite needs a perfectly even amount of cheese. If you want shitty shredded mozzarella, take your ass to Ferris Booth Commons. Quit crying.

Also, they made the cheese globs smaller. So.

“There’s too much sauce.”

Do you even like pizza? There can’t be too much cheese AND too much sauce. This is a pie of substance. Cheesy, saucy, sexy. You’re gonna get messy when you eat this, and that’s ok. That’s the point. This is the joy of pizza.

Also, the Engineering Lounge has wet wipes.

“The sauce is too sweet.”

No.

They have extra seasonings on the side. Italian seasoning, red pepper flakes, garlic powder, parmesan. What more do you want? If you don’t like the taste, that’s on you.

“There’s only one kind of pizza available.”

Clearly, you’re a fake fan who hasn’t been to Chef Don’s since opening week. Any real Little Donster would know this was temporary, and that they now have four different pies available each day. Do your homework before you run your mouth.

“Ew, who the fuck wants a Philly cheesesteak pizza?”

Heaven forbid Columbia Dining has some fun. Jesus Christ, not everything has to be Faculty House. Some of us actually don’t want to eat the same boring shit every day. They’re experimenting. Let them cook.

“This is bread, not pizza dough.”

You sound like you suck. What the fuck do you think pizza dough is, if not modified bread? You must be great at parties!

“All the fruit here is rotten.”

Yeah, that’s real. But that’s more of a Columbia Dining problem. Also, it’s called Chef Don’s Pizza Pi. Why are you coming here if all you want is fruit so badly?

“This isn’t authentic.”

Does this look like fucking Sicily?

“The unpackaged cannolis are freaking me out.”

Yeah, and if they were wrapped, you would all be whining about sustainability. There’s no winning with you people! Chef Don is a sustainable baddie. Eat the damn cannoli, it’s good for your health.

Conclusion:

Stop being insufferable; the pizza is good, the line moves quickly, it’s yummy and a good amount of food for a swipe. Can’t we just have nice things?

Photos via Bwog Staff