Wait I thought getting in was the hard part…

Dear freshies,

When first arriving at Columbia, the term Imposter Syndrome did little to soothe my feelings of displacement and anxiety. I wasn’t worried about if I belonged or not, I simply knew I didn’t.

Where I’m from, South Carolina, people stay local for college, if they go at all. To go anywhere for school, including our local technical community college, is something to be proud of. I am the first from my public high school to attend Columbia University, however I wouldn’t be surprised if I was the first to ever apply.

My teachers were so proud of me for getting to Columbia, but there was only so much they could do to prepare me. All of us had little clue the environment I was about to encounter. I was elated to move to NYC and begin college, it felt like my dreams were finally coming true.

Upon moving in, I was exposed to so many terms I simply never heard before. My roommate went to Phillips Andover Academy. I had never heard of such a place, let alone a type of high school which costs and therefore provides so much.

NSOP week was a whirlwind. I quickly found other students like me, but we were all equally perplexed by our surroundings. There wasn’t a soul I knew before getting to Columbia, but I looked around and people seemed to already know each other. What I didn’t know at the time is many of them went to ‘feeder’ schools, or institutions which have established relationships with our school and send kids here every year. For them, they never had to feel like a fish out of water because their school of fish were literally there for their next move.

Sitting down in my LitHum class quickly became something I dreaded going to, which I then hated because I loved it in theory. I was used to naturally being a star student of sorts. But it was natural given I was one of the select few at my high school who really cared about the material. I was always a nerd, always a teacher’s pet, and that was something I took pride in. Sitting in the seminar room, having never been in a seminar before, I knew I was in over my head. It brought me immense shame to not feel capable of easily engaging with material the way I had in high school.

Comparison is the thief of joy, yet every day I saw other freshmen seem to flawlessly keep up with the homework I couldn’t begin to start. My first semester, I began getting grades which would have broken me in high school, but I just had to keep moving. I never felt put together. I never came to class having done all the reading, and I often never knew where to begin. I started to believe that whilst I was immensely grateful for the opportunity, someone in admissions made a grave error. I didn’t belong.

My second semester, I chose classes I knew I’d enjoy more, hoping my experience would improve. It did, but my grades still weren’t what I was used to. I’d later come to understand this as an immensely normal experience, but everyday I felt so much shame, which turned to despair and like no matter what, I couldn’t be good enough for this place. Some of my friends were already talking about the, to them, natural next steps of their careers, going on ‘coffee chats’ and rushing pre-professional clubs I didn’t get the point of. They however grew up in environments which taught them how to seemingly flawlessly navigate an Ivy League institution. The same freshman year roommate once made an offhand comment that they found their university work to be easier and less demanding than their experience in high school. In some ways I was grateful to not grow up in such an environment, but in others I was bitter and jealous that it meant Columbia came easy to them, when to me it was daily suffering.

Looking back, those of us who didn’t go to feeder schools, who come from modest backgrounds, who are on financial aid, who’s parents couldn’t help us get to a place like Columbia, we stuck together. That is my biggest piece of advice, as you will belong, and I know now that I do too. What changed for me was giving myself grace, and taking pride in where I’m from, and where I got in spite of it. Columbia is for us too, and my family, my teachers, my friends, even if they could never understand what this place is really like, they are so proud of me, and remembering that keeps me going.

The following are reflections of mine, in no particular order, which I could have found useful during my tormented freshman year.

• Remember how capable you are. By getting here, you did something so remarkable, and you should take pride in it everyday.
• Remind yourself that Columbia is a strange and freaky bubble. 90% of Americans graduate from public schools. The private school kids, and those who went to public schools in million dollar neighborhoods will find each other and make you think they are the norm. At Columbia, they may be, but remember you are way more normal and in touch than they will ever be. No shade.
• The Multicultural Affairs office has many nice adults. They are on the 5th floor of Lerner Hall, room 505. They are there to help you, so allow yourself to go there and be helped.
• You must find community! There is no virtue in suffering alone. Go to the club fair, or ask around to see what people gravitate towards. Clubs and community are really what you make them, but you know this from your communities at home. You are so capable.
  • My freshman year I joined Columbia Mentoring Initiative (housed under Multicultural Affairs), in their LGBTQ branch. There are numerous branches with other affinity groups, including Asian, Disability Justice, Middle Eastern and North African, Mixed Heritage, and more. There, I met one of my closest friends, and found a community of students much more like me, seeking a community as well. It was so nice to have a mentor who ended up being FLI (first generation/low income), as he listened to my perplexing Columbia observations and just made me feel less crazy.
• Read the Privileged Poor: How Elite Colleges Are Failing Disadvantaged Students by Anthony Abraham Jack. In this quick read, Jack presents in-depth research on this topic, as well as accounts from the detailed and numerous interviews he completed with students at the unnamed elite school in the book (p.s its Harvard lol). He praises schools for opening their admissions to be more equitable, but the book explores what happens to these less privileged students once they enter elite spaces. He masterfully reveals, to any sort of reader, the university culture and policies which often bar students like us from ever feeling accepted at the institutions they were accepted into.
  • I read this lovely book as part of a seminar on educational equity with professor Roger Lehecka, founder of the Double Discovery Center, which mentors local NYC high school students to help them access college and support their potential. Reading this as I ended my sophomore year, I felt so, so seen. I wasn’t crazy, of course, and my experience was actually pretty universal. Jack describes how much more prepared students from non-elite backgrounds are when they go to the sort of feeder schools I described above, compared to the “doubly-disadvantaged” students he talked to, who reached a place like Harvard but had the disadvantages of being poor and going to a less resourced public high school.
• Don’t let yourself grow as bitter as I did. People can’t help their backgrounds, and the whole point of having us all together is to learn from our varied experiences to build something novel and bold together. Your classmates and professors benefit from hearing your voice, so don’t hide your true opinions and feelings.
• On that note, do your best to make friends from backgrounds like yours, and not like yours. Having these connections is what you will take with you from college, and your peers seek them too. It’s important to have people who you can rely on when you feel down.
• Explore all the free wonders of New York City. Bwog has covered this topic many times in the past! You will feel much less crazy within the chaotic grandeur of NYC, as going beyond Columbia’s sinister gates reminds you that the real world, full of normal people with normal problems, still exists.
• If your family circumstances change, or you are generally struggling to pay for school, appeal your financial aid! The office processes appeals, and it is very normal to do. Many people get more grant money by explaining circumstances, but they can only help you if they know what is going on.
• Affirm… that you are not lesser for not owning a Goyard, or whichever luxury bag is in fashion. I was floored my freshmen year when I looked up the weird bag I saw so many carrying, and saw that real ones are a minimum of $2,000. Egregious displays of wealth are easy to spot at Columbia, but you can just roll your eyes move on, knowing I am silently judging alongside you.
• Schedule an appointment with CPS! If you need help, they will help you, and they deeply understand students here, and what our culture and classes are like. Through Columbia Health, you have access to genuinely amazing practitioners, who you already pay for as part of your student life fee.
• Find an on campus job! My freshman year, I applied to be an RA, which was probably the best thing I did that year. Working on campus, you will find deep community in students like you, as well as make some chump change or money which can go towards your degree expenses.
  • Jobs can be found through the federal work study office, or by asking around (it is less scary than it seems). One of my friends had a side gig as the Rory mascot for a semester… Anything is possible.
• Do the things which make you feel capable, not those which make you feel like an imposter.
• Know that it is more than okay to have a few ‘bad’ grades freshman year (and a B on your transcript actually doesn’t cause the world to end). You already made it to Columbia! Your grades matter most if you are hoping to go to med/law/whatever grad school, and it is understandable if you have an upward curve after a freshman year struggle.

I am sending you all my best as you embark on this new chapter. Remember that it is so okay to not understand what is going on. Personally, once I shook off all the shame I was putting on myself, and asked for the help I needed, I had a much better junior year, compared to my treacherous first two. With an open mind and supportive community, you will make it far.

With care,

Maggie Aufmuth