Bread will never betray you in the battlefield of housing.

Housing is more than dramatic enough for a double Tats feature. So the shithead you weren’t even entirely sold on having in your housing group just bailed last minute. Here, your favorite dipshit gives you six fun last-minute replacements for that sixth person in your EC suite/Ruggles suite/whatever building all your hopes are set on and will inevitably be dashed to the ground.

Dear Tats,

It’s housing, and my six-person group was doing just fine, until the last girl decided to go for a single instead. Now we find ourselves in desperate need for a last person. What do I dooooo?

Hungry for Housing

Dear Hungry,

Odd, but I’ll run with it. There are a lot of different options you could pursue. Here, six things that Housing will definitely let you count as your last roommate.

1. Your leftover Milano sandwich. Just try to tell me H17 doesn’t love me more than my family, okay!!!!!

2. One of the Sprouse twins. So what, they don’t go here? They live somewhere in the city, and they have rather large… presences. How large? Takes up the whole city, I guess.

3. Netflix.

4. An animal counts as a roommate. Just tell Housing you’ve got a ferret or a cow or something, and they’ll allot you an extra room. Seems reasonable.

5. Big Sean.

6. The collection of books you’ve amassed from four semesters of Lit Hum and CC. God only knows you need easy access to them, for you’ll read them every night for the rest of your life. Who doesn’t love the Core??

Awesome. Sleep well.

XOXO, Tats

All’s fair in love and war housing via Shutterstock