3 CommentsLate Wednesday night, Barnard quad residents became aware of a shocking phenomenon: there was bread on the bulletin boards. Not pictures of bread, not drawings of bread, not even holograms of bread, but real, actual slices of white bread attached with thumbtacks to the bulletin boards. The bread was first believed to be present on only a few bulletin boards, then spread, until almost every floor had a couple of slices of bread on its boards.
Speculation has run rampant in the Barnard community during the past day and a half over what this phenomenon could possibly mean. Overheard @ Barnard, Barnard’s premiere forum for the weird, the wonderful, and the Barnard, was rife with debate soon after the bread’s appearance was first noted:
The next day, the speculation only continued:
As of now, the Barnard Bread Culprit (Bread Baker? Bread Lover? Bread Hater?) and their motives remain a mystery to the Barnard quad. Luckily for you, we here at Bwog have thoroughly investigated the matter. We documented all of the bread boards we could find and performed scientific tests on the bread. One writer even went so far as to taste the bread: “It was a bit stale, but generally okay,” she reported. “Tasted like Hewitt bread.”
In light of our analysis, we here at Bwog would like to present our best, most reasonable theories as to the motivation behind the Breadboards:
- This is all a really bizarre advertising ploy to get more people to go to Hewitt. The Hewitt staff are even more creative than we imagined.
- This is the handiwork of the ghost of Jean Valjean, who was feeling particularly repentant that night, and decided to give back to the Barnard community by giving it bread. (Why is the ghost of Jean Valjean in the Barnard quad? Who knows. Maybe he’s sad that Les Mis only has one year more on Broadway and thought he could find a kindred spirit among the Barnard first-years.)
- This is a response (albeit a somewhat strange response) to the recent vandalism in Carman. Bwog would like to call this phenomenon “reverse vandalism”: instead of tearing something off the bulletin boards, the culprit has added something.
- This is a protest against the fact that Hewitt now has the same (arguably worse) bagels as John Jay and Ferris. The culprit wants to remind us of the value of good bread by showcasing what happens when bread is poor quality. (What, exactly, does happen? Our research hasn’t reached that far into the culprit’s psyche yet.)
- This is an example of early finals season panic, plain and simple. Nothing says “I fear for my grades, my mental health, and my very existence in the universe” like tacking pieces of bread up in your living space.
Still, Barnard Bread Culprit, whoever you are, whatever your motives might be – we salute you. Thank you for bringing this processed grain into our lives with such a strong punch (or, perhaps, thumbtack.) You’re a real hero.
If you have news on the Breadboard Phenomenon (or on literally anything else at Columbia), send it in to tips@bwog.com or anonymously on our tips page.
Photos via Overheard @ Barnard Facebook page, Bwog Staff, etc
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3 Comments
@Anonymous Someone suggested that “white bread” is meant at a crack on PoNotC students.
Naturally, this is nonsense. Nobody was tacking up saltines , and those have pinholes right in ’em.
@barnard bread bandit i’m going to admit to the crime in my senior thesis entitled “it was me and it meant nothing”
@The Salty Seaman Just another example of white heteropatriarchy enforcing their glutenous imperialism on the masses. Smh…