Dec

8

The Ninety-Five Theses

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If you’ve taken Contemporary Civilization or come from a Flyover state with a long history of Scandinavian homesteaders, you are probably familiar with Martin Luther and his 95 theses. Well, we connected the dots and realized it’s not a huge jump from demonstrating the hypocrisy of the Papists to fighting the established patriarchal norms of Academia with a particularly topical and snappily titled Senior Thesis. We present here 95 thesis topics that may or may not be currently in progress and wish you luck in procrastinating your own. In the meantime we’ll be nailing these to the doors of Low. 

1. Life’s a Bitch And Then You Die: Literary Naturalism In Stephen Crane’s “The Open Boat”

2. From Kilroy to Romney’s Mom Jeans: A Study of Political Memes Over the Past 70 Years

3. 99 Problems and A Witch Ain’t One: A Character Analysis of Abigail Williams in The Crucible

4. Homer to Hozier: The Evolution of Reflections on Homosexuality in Poetry and Song

5. Large, Public Universities and the Rising Problem of Binge-Drinking among College-Aged Subjects

6. The Ivy Leauge SnapStory: The Hidden Story of Ivy (Division 1) Student-Athletes

7. Butler Bucks: A Comparative Analysis of Downloaded Financial Documents in Butler Library

8. Martin Luther and the Sociology of Nails and Wood pre-Reformation

9. Morningside Folklore: A Cultural Analysis of the Ghosts of Buell Hall

10. (Legal, Medicinal) Blunts in Butler: The Impact of Recent Changes to New York’s Drug Policies)

11. Harmony Hunter: Searching For Peace As a Global and Individual QuestDisappointed Alum: The Impact of Alumni Dissatisfaction on Shaping University Policy

12. The Butler Marxist: An Analysis of Early 21st Century Socialist Intellectuals

13. The iPhone Thief: Investigating Crimes at Apple Production Facilities

14. Pigeon Man: The Potentials of Columbidae-Human Genetic Splicing

15. Carman Criminals: A Statistical Analysis of Youth Crime in the Ivy League

16. The Wein Cat: Feline Survival Abilities in Urban Environments

17. How2Hotbox: A Study of the Dispersion of Gaseous Materials in Enclosed Spaces

18. Goethe: I Relate, I Think.

19. Systems Biology In Action: A Study Of The Microfauna Of My Kitchen Sink

20. Art History Really Is Bullshit And Here’s A Prime Example Of That Bullshitting In Action

21. The Fuckboy As An Ahistorical Entity: From Aeneas To Adidas

22. Ayn Rand: Not as Shitty a Person as Everyone Thinks She Is?

23. Jack Kerouac: An Even Shittier Person than Everyone Thinks He Is

24. Hating the Beats But Also Wanting to Be the Beats: A Very Real Struggle

25. Parks and Revolution: An In-Depth Comparison of The French Revolution and Parks and Recreation

26. Shall I Compare Thee To A Dark And Stormy Night: Shakespeare Gets Real Angsty Or, An Analysis of the Dark Lady Sonnets

27. How Many Famous Historical Figures Were Actually Bi: Alexander Hamilton, Alexander the Great, and More

28. Here’s 40 Pages About Why I Don’t Understand Wittgenstein

29. I Did A Lot Of Psychedelics And Wrote This Song Cycle (Music Composition)

30. Donald Trump: The Real American Psycho

31. Dragons Are Real and I Can Prove It

32. Sex: Excited Writings

33. The Liminal Space: An Exploration of the Carman Elevators as a Place of Ontological Contradiction and Resolution

34. The Role of RAs in Reproducing Social Norms: An Ideological State Apparatus

35. The Ivy League Goths: A Sociological Study

36. I’m Woke, Are You?

37. The Harms of Columbia Football: Bad For the School, Bad For the Players

38. Justin Trudeau and Vladimir Putin: case studies in the male sexuality and the emergence of Dionysian politics

39. Feces Theses: A Survey

40. Intersectionalism of professional perfection of the co-idexivality of subliminal marketing strategies

41. To Brie or Not to Brie: An investigation of the French-Danish Cheese Economy Prior to the Advent of the European Union

42. The Meaning Of Life: We’re Still Working On Finding It

43. Still life with Chiquita Banana; or, the enduring influence of 1950s advertising tropes in the neo-neo-capitalist revolution

44. Kill the chicken, breed the hen: Staging carni-neutral gaze in post-modern agricultural documentarian rhetoric

45. Back 2 Bach: The Legacy Of The Baroque Fugue Form On The Music Of Aubrey “Drake” Graham

46. Trap queen: a study of variations on the fettered-pawn opening (chess)

47. Bill your darlings: ethics of payroll tax and the nuclear family in modern private endodontics

48. Is This Clever? I Dunno.

49. From kilt to quilt: a demographic analysis of the aging male population of Scotland

50. If this is modernity, let me stay in the neoclassical cave

51. Big Data Kills.

52. The X-Chromosome, revisited

53. Hold your breath: a musical meditation on the global climate outlook

54. Dr. Seuss or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love the Rhyme.

55. Here It Is: The Great American Novel (Creative Writing)

56. Homoerotic Homoaromaticity: Surprising Parallels Between Organic Chemistry And Virginia Woolf’s “Orlando”

57. Penis Fountains: Phallic Imagery in 17th Century Japanese Travel Writings

58. No Sex In the Mountains: A Survey Of Ascetic Traditions.

59. “To Debauch An Enemy Emperor” Tracing The Historical Origins Of The Honey-Trap

60. I Am No Longer Afraid Of Virginia Woolf

61. Magic Mike XXL And The Modern Picaresque American Travel Tale

62. My Uncle Lives In Trump Towers Or, Why We Should Vote For Independents

63. Bad Things Happen For A Reason: How My Concussion Renewed My Faith

64. Pedestrian Traffic Patterns And Gender Norms

65. Divorce And Collective Guilt In 21st Century America

66. Twitter Made My Boyfriend Dump Me, Tinder Helped Me Find A New One: Social Media Is Screwing Over Millenials

67. Every Song And Musical Artist Mentioned In Karl Ove Knausgaard’s My Struggle: An Explication

68. Manhattan’s College Housing Bubble: NYU Students Outsource To Bushwick

69. The Cranial-Rectal Inversion Of Modern Campus Activism

70. Carman Double Doors: A Study on Architectural Techniques for Crowd Control

71. Sorry I’m (Not) Late: A Philosophical Discourse on the Temporal Origin of Academic Courses

72. “Same:” How Memetic Culture Homogenized Reason

73. Why Would You Take the Elevator When You Live on the Second Floor: A Study in Anger Management

74. Screaming into the Genderless Void: Why Gender is a Social Construct (and So Are You)

75. Your Generation: The Baby Boomers Can Suck My Colloquial Dick And Here’s Why

76. Sex Ed: We Need More of It Basically Everywhere

77. The Internet Is For (More Than) Porn. Question?

78. Why Would You Judge Me For Taking The Elevator When I Live On The Second Floor: A Study In Minding Your Own Damn Business

79. I’m Live on the Forth Floor and Really Don’t Know What The Etiquette Is: Techniques for Moderating Vertical Arguments

80. Tenth Floor Woes: The Negative Effects of Exploiting Vertical Transportation at Lower Floors

81. Study of Morningside Heights As a Post-Apocalyptic Landscape (Visual Arts)

82. The Morningside Bubble: Does Access to the One Train Restrain or Free Students?

83. Why Should You Try To Write When Lying Facedown on the Floor is Literally Always Easier

84. The Hewitt Beeping Noise: A Study of Microwaves, Waffle Irons, and Mild Hallucinations

85. The Resurgence Of Astrology As An Accepted Practice Based On Ten Popular Astrology Tumblrs

86. North West Territory: Child-Rearing Practices of the Hollywood A-List

87. Critique Of Pure Reason

88. Cohabition Of Contrastive Languages and Subcultures: Is Williamsburg The New Tower Of Babel?

89. Children Forget Parents, Parents Forget Children: Advanced Capitalism

90. A Study Of Shamus Khan’s Behavior As He Studies Undergrad Behavior At 1020

91. Put Me Out Of My Misery: An Original Work For Piano

92. Mastering Margarita: A theory driven examination of Christian ethics and the femme fatal trope in pseudo-Freudian youth fiction

93. Lab Ponchos: They’re a Good Idea I Swear (Materials Engineering)

94. Here Me Out: Dan Brown Invented The Illuminati

95. 95 Theses in the Modern Age: A Meta Study on how Bwog’s 95 Theses Relates Social and Cultural Opinions

 

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