When Ann Thornton asks a band alum to donate to the library…

It’s been eight days since the Marching Band announced that they had been banned from playing Orgo Night in Butler 209 this semester – an edict that originated in the devious mind of Vice Provost and Head Librarian Ann Thornton. Senior Staffer (and Band member) Betsy Ladyzhets tried to get into that very mind by imagining what Ann Thornton’s life must be like, now that Orgo Night is over and most “disruptive” marching band members have migrated off campus.

5:29 pm

Headed home for the night! Time to not think about administrative meetings or official documentation for a few hours, and maybe watch a Netflix documentary.

5:31 pm

Shit, did I remember to send that email to Dean Kromm? I know she so values my opinions about which groups should and shouldn’t be allowed to hold events on the lawns…

5:33 pm

It’s fine, I can send it tomorrow.

5:57 pm

The subway gets more and more disgusting every week. There should be designated different cars – one for people who want to gossip with their friends, one for people who want to loud, ear-damaging music, and one for people who actually want to spend their time in a productive way. I’m going to write a strongly worded letter to the MTA.

6:18 pm

Did someone… poop… on my doorstep?

6:19 pm

Oh, no, that’s just a really rotten apple. Thank God. I didn’t want to have to call the fire department to pick up poop for me again.

6:38 pm

What should I get for dinner? The Chinese place I like just had their health rating changed from an A to a B, and I had pizza yesterday… maybe I should just heat up one of those premade meals I keep in the pantry in case of natural disaster.

6:41 pm

Why do you have to add water to these things? Sure, I can use tap water now, but if a natural disaster happens, I have no guarantee that the New York City water system will still be functional. This is just irresponsible. I’m going to write a strongly worded letter to the premade meal company.

7:25 pm

I’m not going to check my work email. I’m not going to check my work email. I’m not going to check my work email.

7:36 pm

I’m checking my work email.

7:37 pm

I have… thirty-six new emails from alumni angry about the Band’s displacement from Butler. It’s been over a week, and they’re still this mad? I can’t believe it. Why do they value their silly little traditions so much? It’s just students shouting at each other about campus politics, or something. They can do that at… what’s that bar they all like so much? 1010? 1018?

7:39 pm

It doesn’t matter. I’m going to watch some of that documentary about libraries I found on Netflix.

7:43 pm

I don’t think this is a documentary about libraries.

8:04 pm

I might as well just go to bed, at this point. I’m not doing anything productive, and I’ve seen all of the Netflix documentaries that are at all intellectually stimulating. And I need to be well-rested so that I can write my best succinct, professional emails in the morning.

8:48 pm

Those kids upstairs from me are being noisy again. Don’t they know that some people go to bed at 8 o’clock?

8:54 pm

I asked them to quiet down, and they laughed in my face! I’ve been disrespected in my own apartment building. I’m going to write a strongly worded letter to my super.

10:12 pm

Why couldn’t I have worked at a normal university, where the marching band actually marches? Or at Stanford, where the administration actually knows how to discipline its band when they’re disruptive towards the student body? What did I ever do to deserve a school like Columbia?

2:26 am

You know what? Fuck it. I’m going to see what those hooligans in the band really think of me. It can’t be that bad, can it?

2:29 am

Oh. Oh, my God. This event should not be allowed to exist at all. How soon can I schedule a meeting with President Bollinger?

Fuck to Thornton via Mikhail “trying to jumpstart his hand modeling career” Klementov