A Columbia sadboy in his natural element

A few weeks ago, our bloglove NYU Local wrote an article called “The Five Guys You Will Fuck At NYU.” Inspired by this, here are the types of Columbia boys you inevitably end up hooking up with. A boy may fit more than one category. 

1. The Frat Boy: You met him at a frat party (no shit) or maybe even a sorority mixer. You spent one drunken, hazy night together in his dingy double in the frat house, and he took your number and promised he will text you, but you both know he won’t. In the rare event that he does, you’ll hook up with him one or two more times max and spend the rest of your time here saying hi awkwardly when you run into him. He also probably told his entire fraternity that he hooked up with you.
2. The Awkward Engineer: He wears jeans that look like they were at the peak of high Hot Topic fashion in 2007 with flannel shirts. He basically lives in Mudd or NoCo. He probably cares a lot about computers and has an Android. Bonus points if he’s foreign. You are pleasantly surprised to find that the sex is actually pretty good, but when you see him sober, in daylight, and try to hold a conversation, you find that you don’t have much in common with him and let him go back to doing number sorcery and looking at circuits.
3. The Sadboy: You met him at 1020 or Arts and Crafts. He was featured on the Sad Columbia Boys Instagram for sitting sadly on the Low steps or a street corner. He’s cute, in a sad way. You would think he’s a philosophy or English major, but that’s too stereotypical. He defies the stereotype by being a financial econ sellout. He’s a good cuddler, but got too emotionally attached to you too fast, and you had to awkwardly ghost him.
4. The GS student: You don’t know how old he is. You don’t think you want to know. He inevitably has a very interesting story of what he did with his life before coming to Columbia, and you’re slightly fascinated. You can tell he’s very sexually experienced, and you’re into it. He texts you a few days later for beer. You see him around sporadically afterwards, and you remain on amicable terms.
5. The Finance Bro: They overlap a lot with frat boys, but they’re not exactly the same species. You probably also met the finance bro at a frat party or an EC party. After sex, he plays with your hair and tells you about his existential crisis as pillowtalk. You’re surprised to see evidence of a soul in this finance bro, but you remember that this is Columbia, so even finance bros are sadboys by default and that’s the reason for his existential crisis. You never talk again after the one hookup.
6. The European: He has an accent that you think is hot at first but gets kinda annoying when you have to keep asking “what?” and he gets mad at you for having to tell you for the umpteenth time how he wants your butt positioned. He rolls and smokes a cigarette in bed after sex while you lie next to him and play with his chest hair. He may or may not be circumcised. You see him a few days later ordering a single shot of espresso from Joe’s. He will reply if you text him first, but he won’t text you first.
7. The Athlete: You’re prepared for this boy to be a total douche, but you’re pleasantly surprised to find that he’s actually kinda nice, at least at first. You feel like you’ve definitely seen him at Sig Chi with a MAGA hat, and you can’t really shake that iffy feeling, but you don’t ask him about it. He has the body of a Greek sculpture and you can’t stop admiring his abs. He asks if he can “hit it raw” and you refuse. You see him on and off for a little bit afterwards.