Written by Bwog Staff
2Girls1Snack is BACK! Staff writers Hadley Callaway and Layla Alexander tried out various muffins from around campus because who doesn’t like muffins? Here are their reviews of different muffins from MoHi.
It was a drowsy Saturday afternoon. The light had started to intensify in the Butler windows, blinding us as the sun sang its final swan song on its trip below the horizon. Homework was as homework is, and these 2girls wanted OUT. Tossing our copies of The Iliad aside, we lept from our desks, grabbed our debit cards, and sprinted down Broadway in search of what our hearts had been longing for this whole time: muffins. Our trip took us across five blocks. On the way, we found four noble prospects from four different pastry vendors. Some muffins caused strife between us; others united us. Accompanied by a third muffin enthusiast who acted as our unbiased mediator, we rated the different treats. Here’s our take on the muffins of MoHi.
Nussbaum & Wu – Lemon poppyseed
As it happened, the Fates (or rather, Columbia’s geography) took us to Nussbaum & Wu first. The site of (somewhat) legendary sophomore dorm and top-notch bagels, Nussbaum had much to offer us as we walked through the glass doors–including a few familiar faces. After waiting in line for a solid ten minutes with a few fellow first years (mind you, this was the only line we waited in during the whole outing), we were rewarded with a variety of muffins. Our weapon of choice: lemon poppyseed. The muffin had a noticeably orange complexion and a dewy look to it. It was, in Hadley’s opinion, “the Platonic ideal of what a lemon poppyseed muffin should be,” meaning not too lemony with a “fluffy thicc” texture.
Hadley’s rating: 4/5
Layla’s rating: 3/5
Oren’s – Blueberry cornflake
Off to a good start, we chugged along down Broadway and to our next destination: Oren’s. It was our first time visiting the chain coffee shop, and we didn’t know what to expect. We entered the small cafe, and despite being mesmerized by the assorted gourmet chocolates that lined the wall, made our way to the register and analyzed the muffin options. It didn’t take us long to settle on blueberry cornflake as Muffin #2. After all, it was the only type of muffin Oren’s was offering–a bold choice. Even before we tasted this muffin, we knew it wouldn’t be that good, as the top was riddled with what looked like Frosted Flakes and only the bottom seemed to have any blueberries. The baked good itself was cakey but a bit flavorless. Overall, this niche muffin could’ve been a lot better. Blueberry cornflake muffin in tow, we exited Oren’s and headed to Amsterdam.
Hadley’s rating: 1/5
Layla’s rating: 2/5
Artopolis – Pistachio
After realizing that Hungarian does not, in fact, sell muffins, but rather only hipster pastries, we were walking back to campus dejectedly, wondering which campus cafes were still open or if–dare we say it–we should resort to Starbucks, when we stumbled upon our own, yellow-bedecked saving grace: Artopolis. Inside, we were assaulted by an assortment of upscale muffin flavors. What caught our eye, though, was the pistachio muffin’s molten-green look. The brown outside, combined with the green inside, was wholly unappealing in an appealing way, like when you do something even when you know it’s bad for you. Such a terrifying, electric-colored hue gave off strong Oompa Loompa vibes, which were intensified by the whole pistachios found in the bottom half of the muffin. Olfactory-wise, our nostrils were assaulted. Somewhat to her surprise, Hadley loved this one. She admits her own bias, though, as pistachio gelato is her favorite flavor. Layla, however, couldn’t get over the smell to appreciate all of the hidden virtues Hadley did. Alas, it was a divisive muffin.
Hadley’s rating: 5/5
Layla’s rating: 1/5
But Caf – Cranberry orange
For one reason or another, we went to Butler Cafe for the final muffin. Hadley was the only one who entered the library, as Layla decided to wait outside with Elysssa (muffin enthusiast, unbiased mediator), who didn’t have a guest pass and couldn’t go in. Just waiting outside of the ominous library sent chills down Layla’s spine, and she couldn’t help but sit, apprehensive, on the cold cement bench outside of the doors. Hadley eventually exited the library with a cranberry orange muffin, remarking that this was the “cheapest [muffin] of the day and it sure looks like it.” The muffin featured a good balance of cranberry and orange flavoring and also looked the healthiest. Layla was fond of this one, as it reminded her of her dad’s preference for cranberry flavoring. Hadley, however, couldn’t help but associate the muffin with the gloominess of Butler and ultimately wasn’t a fan. Upon tasting it, Hadley exclaimed, “You don’t put shitty fuel (this muffin) in a Ferrari (my body)!” And with that, the two (or three) concluded their journey.
Hadley’s rating: 2/5
Layla’s rating: 5/5
Muffin adventures via Hadley Callaway and Layla Alexander