Nov

11

A Guide To Stacks Boner Killers

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Kendall and Kylie. Ice cream and apple pie. John Jay Dining Hall and…beans. While these pairings might be merely well-known, perhaps the most iconic duo of all time is the Butler stacks and sex. Goddamnit y’all. How many articles do we have to write until you stop having sex in the stacks? Bwogger Maggie explores some of the boner killers you crazy kids might face if you attempt stacks sex.

Sex in Butler is a rite of passage everyone is no doubt familiar with, some of us more intimately than others. But this phenomenon is one that happens spontaneously, making it easy to forgo attention to detail. Ideally, though, you want to strut past the circulation desk post-coitus like you just got out of a take-back-your-life seminar, not a disappointing and physically strenuous acrobatic feat. If you want your experience to be really special, you should take the time to make sure you don’t run into any of these:

Here’s some recommended reading for all you stacks-loving nymphos.

  • A nearby student suffering from a persistent coughing fit. If you’re the kind of person who’s getting kinky in the stacks, odds are you already have little regard for those around you, so the abrupt reminder that they exist is a sure-fire way to kill the mood. It might be a good idea to have some over-the-counter medications to offer your disrespectfully noisy peers.
  • David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest. If only we, as a society, could harness the power of the erections that CC boys have about this 1079-page behemoth. Picture this: things are getting steamy in the Soviet history aisle (located on level 3 for everyone who likes doing it on bottom). In the heat of the moment, you don’t realize the shelves being violently shaken. A copy of Infinite Jest falls from above and, even in the instant before climax, your partner can’t resist mansplaining why you should read it.
  • Automatic lights. The illicit nature of stacks sex is probably what makes it most appealing, so lifting the shroud of darkness will definitely ruin the magic of your tryst.
  • Dirty talk. This environment is not conducive to a baby-making Spotify playlist, so you can forget that Mariah Carey or Marvin Gaye to set the mood. Perhaps, you might think, dirty talk is a safer alternative. You would be wrong. The looks you get for a simple sneeze are dirty enough, so any volume of speech above total silence is off the table.
  • People who actually need the books you’re having sex on. Even when you think you’ve done everything to ensure your rendez-vous will go as smoothly as possible, there are some things you just can’t predict. Who could have known someone would need to look at that Church periodical you’re defiling?

If you can be sure none of these things will get in your way, get your freak on! Just kidding. Although we here at Bwog are sex-positive hedonists, the furthest you should indulge your dreams of library sex is a viewing of The Prince and Me.

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1 Comment

  1. excellent article!  

    I now feel more compelled to have stacks sex in which I endure all these conditions and still bust a nut

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