This is why you don’t unsubscribe

While the rest of you were ghosting your desperate Valentine’s Day hookups, Bwogger Idris O’Neill was ignoring e-mails from the multiple listservs she’s signed up for. Finding herself being a kind of, sort of, almost member of clubs, she’s been torn between seeing new clubs and the good times you’ve had together. She swears: it’s not you, it’s her.

• Leave the GroupMe. Lose the E-board’s numbers. You’re going to think you’ll need them, but this is a nasty break-up. You gotta throw the whole club away.
• Ignore them at 1020. You should expect to see them everywhere. It’s the Columbia Curse: everyone you’re trying to avoid will show up to the same party. Always. If you can’t ignore them (because we’re classy; we ghost), engage in small talk about anything but the club.
• Accidentally sit across from them in a dining hall. God damn John Jay and their forcibly inclusive tables. Make pleasantries referring to old inside jokes and then leave. You’ll get pulled back in if you stay too long.
• Never unsubscribe from the listserv. The whole point of ghosting is to inoffensively leave. Just read about all the cool club activities you can’t do and simmer in jealousy.
• Make a new e-mail account. You’ve gotten yourself this far with your generic FirstName.LastName@gmail.com account. Take this opportunity to get weird – srirachaslut16, maybe – those UNIs were boring anyway.
• Stop playing yourself and just drop out. When it comes to it, it comes to it. Though if you’ve reached this extremity, you probably weren’t good enough at ghosting anyway.

“Have a hydrated weekend” via a listserv I haven’t left