Written by Bwog Staff
The Philolexian Society’s 21st Annual Alfred Joyce Kilmer Memorial Bad Poetry Contest announced their winners! The winning poem goes to “Psalm” by Yonah Lemonik, CC ’08 and the first runner’s up goes to “Leftovers” by Jonah Bloch-Johnson CC ’08 (as “Phillip Hutchinson”) and Phyllis Ma CC ’09.
Since Bwog is in the mood for wishing hearty Congratulations (and using too many exclamation points), Congratulations to Yonah, Jonah, and Phyllis! Your bad verse is an inspiration!
Thanks to Raza for the tip!
Read the poems after the jump.
by Yonah Lemonik CC ’08
A Psalm of David:
1: O LORD, the firmament sheweth thine handiwork, and the heavens thine
2: Your might exceeds the depth of the seas, O LORD, yea, your
righteousness the vaults of the skies.
3: O LORD, have you ever considered the advantages of owning a really
fine set of encyclopedias?
4: I mean this is a truly gorgeous set of twenty four volumes here, am I
5: For verily, O LORD, the wallpaper showeth thine good taste, and the
bookcase thine worldiness.
6: And should the chicks see a really handsome leather-bound set like
this one they shall surely dwell in the house of the LORD for the length
of days… or at least the nights!
7: Eh? Eh? Eh?
8: No, no wait don’t close the door, O Awesome LORD, do not cast me
aside in this my hour of need.
8a: For Thou art a merciful LORD, and loving.
9: Yea thou art a support to orphans and thou lifteth up the weak.
10: O LORD, thou giveth comfort and sustenance to the poor.
11: Please, O LORD, be merciful, as you ride this subway to a warm home
and loving family; remember there are those out on the streets less
fortunate than you.
12: We can feed a family of four for only 79 cents, but tonight were
going to have to turn people away. So please give generously, O Just
LORD, do not turn thine countenance from us.
13: Well? What, nothing? You can’t give even a penny, O Tremendous G-d?
14: Oh that’s great, O LORD, you’re just great. Thou art super fucking
15: O Mighty And Awesome LORD, thine voice convulseth the deserts and
blabbity blah blah.
16: Even thine oh so holy angels tremble in thine August and Awesome
presence, the pussies.
17: O Master of the Universe, I am sooooo scared of you.
19: No wait, O LORD, I didn’t mean to be nasty; you’re a great guy.
20: And I like you, I just don’t like you like you, y’know.
21: No, you’re really a great guy, O Lord Of Jacob; thou judgeth the
righteous with goodness and hateth the wicked.
22: Until a man’s dying day thou waiteth for him to return.
23: And you’re a really funny guy! Yes, yes, you are G-d.
You created flamingos
brilliant touch with the pink there;
and the Black Death
The human condition is
pure comic genius.
25: C’mon, how bad can you be, O LORD? You do have complete dominion
over the heavens and earth.
26: Yea, thou art ruler of the seas and king of the mountains.
27: Thou causeth the wind to blow and the sun to shine.
28: O LORD thou openeth the gates of dawn and ordereth the stars in
29: Verily O LORD thou art powerful – you have thousands of workers
reporting to you, CEO of a multibillion dollar multinational
corporation, yes sir!
30: Yes sir, Yes sir, O LORD you’re the most powerful man in America,
30.5: Why that’s a brilliant idea it is yes sir, yes sir!
31: No sir, O LORD, I’m not just being a yes man, yes sir!
32: Genius sir! If we sack the entire company we’ll have no costs. Our
profits will go through the roof yes sir! Genius, O LORD, yes sir!
33: Yes sir, Thou art truly a wondrous LORD!
34: Thou splitteth the sea before thine children, and feedeth them in
35: O LORD, Thou bringeth up beautiful flowers from the firmament and
showeth the rainbow as a sign for the generations.
36: Yes, O Mighty and Awesome LORD, your hair is truly beautiful. And
your eyes are like two stars shining out on a moonless night.
37: Your movements, O LORD, are like grace encapsulated, your voice is
like a pure clarion call.
38: Thou hast a great rack, and voluptuous thighs.
39: And my ears are cold.
40: So why don’t head back to my place, O LORD. I have a fine set of
encyclopedia’s to sell you. Rawr.
And let us say. Amen.
1st Runner Up
by Jonah Bloch-Johnson CC ’08 (as “Phillip Hutchinson”) and Phyllis Ma
I like leftovers
Like my soul
which is the leftovers of your love
It could have been the pullover of your love
Soft, and cuddly
But instead you had to wear the button of hate and misery.
My heart is dribbling down my face
That you reheat and reheat
Shall I compare thee – to the best minds of my generation?
Do I dare-to contradict myself?
To eat or not to eat now but maybe to take it home and stick it in the
fridge – of history next to the gasket of time by the magnet of
monogamy, under the freezer – of infinity.
[high pitched noises]
[high pitched noises and snapping]
[high pitched noises and snapping]