Nov

19

More winners!

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 The Philolexian Society’s 21st Annual Alfred Joyce Kilmer Memorial Bad Poetry Contest announced their winners! The winning poem goes to “Psalm” by Yonah Lemonik, CC ’08 and the first runner’s up goes to “Leftovers” by Jonah Bloch-Johnson CC ’08 (as “Phillip Hutchinson”) and Phyllis Ma CC ’09.

Since Bwog is in the mood for wishing hearty Congratulations (and using too many exclamation points), Congratulations to Yonah, Jonah, and Phyllis! Your bad verse is an inspiration!

Thanks to Raza for the tip!

Read the poems after the jump.

The Winner



Psalm

by Yonah Lemonik CC ’08

A Psalm of David:

1: O LORD, the firmament sheweth thine handiwork, and the heavens thine

wisdom.

2: Your might exceeds the depth of the seas, O LORD, yea, your

righteousness the vaults of the skies.

3: O LORD, have you ever considered the advantages of owning a really

fine set of encyclopedias?

4: I mean this is a truly gorgeous set of twenty four volumes here, am I

right?

5: For verily, O LORD, the wallpaper showeth thine good taste, and the

bookcase thine worldiness.

6: And should the chicks see a really handsome leather-bound set like

this one they shall surely dwell in the house of the LORD for the length

of days… or at least the nights!

7: Eh? Eh? Eh?

8: No, no wait don’t close the door, O Awesome LORD, do not cast me

aside in this my hour of need.

8a: For Thou art a merciful LORD, and loving.

9: Yea thou art a support to orphans and thou lifteth up the weak.

10: O LORD, thou giveth comfort and sustenance to the poor.

11: Please, O LORD, be merciful, as you ride this subway to a warm home

and loving family; remember there are those out on the streets less

fortunate than you.

12: We can feed a family of four for only 79 cents, but tonight were

going to have to turn people away. So please give generously, O Just

LORD, do not turn thine countenance from us.

13: Well? What, nothing? You can’t give even a penny, O Tremendous G-d?

14: Oh that’s great, O LORD, you’re just great. Thou art super fucking

awesome.

15: O Mighty And Awesome LORD, thine voice convulseth the deserts and

blabbity blah blah.

16: Even thine oh so holy angels tremble in thine August and Awesome

presence, the pussies.

17: O Master of the Universe, I am sooooo scared of you.

18: Oooooh….

19: No wait, O LORD, I didn’t mean to be nasty; you’re a great guy.

20: And I like you, I just don’t like you like you, y’know.

21: No, you’re really a great guy, O Lord Of Jacob; thou judgeth the

righteous with goodness and hateth the wicked.

22: Until a man’s dying day thou waiteth for him to return.

23: And you’re a really funny guy! Yes, yes, you are G-d.

24:

You created flamingos

brilliant touch with the pink there;

and the Black Death

greatest

practical joke

ever;

Menstruation?

hilarious;

The human condition is

pure comic genius.

25: C’mon, how bad can you be, O LORD? You do have complete dominion

over the heavens and earth.

26: Yea, thou art ruler of the seas and king of the mountains.

27: Thou causeth the wind to blow and the sun to shine.

28: O LORD thou openeth the gates of dawn and ordereth the stars in

their places.

29: Verily O LORD thou art powerful – you have thousands of workers

reporting to you, CEO of a multibillion dollar multinational

corporation, yes sir!

30: Yes sir, Yes sir, O LORD you’re the most powerful man in America,

yes sir.

30.5: Why that’s a brilliant idea it is yes sir, yes sir!

31: No sir, O LORD, I’m not just being a yes man, yes sir!

32: Genius sir! If we sack the entire company we’ll have no costs. Our

profits will go through the roof yes sir! Genius, O LORD, yes sir!

33: Yes sir, Thou art truly a wondrous LORD!

34: Thou splitteth the sea before thine children, and feedeth them in

the wilderness.

35: O LORD, Thou bringeth up beautiful flowers from the firmament and

showeth the rainbow as a sign for the generations.

36: Yes, O Mighty and Awesome LORD, your hair is truly beautiful. And

your eyes are like two stars shining out on a moonless night.

37: Your movements, O LORD, are like grace encapsulated, your voice is

like a pure clarion call.

38: Thou hast a great rack, and voluptuous thighs.

39: And my ears are cold.

40: So why don’t head back to my place, O LORD. I have a fine set of

encyclopedia’s to sell you. Rawr.

And let us say. Amen.

1st Runner Up



Leftovers

by Jonah Bloch-Johnson CC ’08 (as “Phillip Hutchinson”) and Phyllis Ma

CC ’09

I like leftovers

Like my soul

which is the leftovers of your love

It could have been the pullover of your love

Soft, and cuddly

But instead you had to wear the button of hate and misery.

My heart is dribbling down my face

Like anchovies

That you reheat and reheat

Shall I compare thee – to the best minds of my generation?

Do I dare-to contradict myself?

To eat or not to eat now but maybe to take it home and stick it in the

fridge – of history next to the gasket of time by the magnet of

monogamy, under the freezer – of infinity.

Leftovers.

eftovers.

ftovers.

tovers.

overs.

vers.

ers.

rs.

s.

[high pitched noises]

broccoli

[high pitched noises and snapping]

coleslaw

[high pitched noises and snapping]

fried pus!

of destiny

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13 Comments

  1. Yonah is a genius  

    I hear he does long division in fuckin Roman Numerals.

  2. thank you bwog!  

    for posting these!

  3. pop  

    i honestly didn't find that psalm one very good...especially in light of the fact that the original bible is much funnier.

    now, time to go eat some shellfish (lev. 11:10-12) while getting fucked in the ass (lev.20:13).

    • um...  

      Are you also going to uncover the nakedness of the wife of your father? Cuz if you are, will you take pictures for me?

      And if you charge for them, you'd better not use uneven measures to cheat me...cuz I'll have to get medieval on your ass (which I guess would be 1500 years of progress).

      Whatever, man. You have to admit, we did get some kick-ass music from some of those text-settings (handel choral psalms? fuckin' killer).

  4. Actually  

    The psalm one was definitely the funniest. Although, I'm very surprised that the Philomathians' rebuttle to Patterson's winning poem last year didn't even get an honourable mention. Kind of sad.

  5. yonah  

    is a man of pure literary and comedic genius. far funnier than almost anything i've seen on campus. and a nice guy too.

  6. as seen before you

    rebuttle? like when you're a butler, but for the second time? COME ON.


    but yeah, the 'mathean response was a good one. a bit in-jokey (and maybe not even left on the judges' table?) but an excellent oh-snap kind of time.

    yonah's a great performer, as were pretty much all of the winners. it's tough to write a poem that's as good on paper as it is out loud.

  7. CML  

    Everett's 2005 winning poem - which he read at the beginning of the contest - was head & shoulders above anything submitted this year. Except for L'Orfeo and Selfone, which was INCREDIBLE.

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