Oct

31

AN IMPORTANT OCCASION

Written by

As the clock passes midnight on Halloween, a new holiday comes about. Eccentric longtime Bwog commenter and mystery man Manley Cottingshire submits the following message regarding the eighty-fourth septennial of the ascension of his ancestor. 

UPDATE, Thursday 3:37 PM: It seems that this post has generated some confusion. Please know that it’s not a trick, or any sort of cruel inside joke. Manley just e-mailed us, and we thought it deserved an airing. We have no idea who he is. Really.

cottingshire 

SECRETARY: CONVEY THIS TO CARVER AT ONCE. THE CONTENTS DEPEND UPON RECEIPT THIS DAY.

HELLO CARVER

WITH GREAT INTEREST AND FULL APPROVAL HAVE I MARKED THE RECENT CHANGES UPON YOUR NEWSPAPER. KNOW MY WARM REGARDS AND FULL SUPPORT: COTTINGSHIRE.

BUT I HAVE BUSINESS

TOMORROW MARKS THE EIGHTY-FOURTH SEPTENNIAL OF THE ASCENSION OF MY ANCESTOR. IT WAS WITH HIS STRENGTH AND VALOUR THAT COTTINGSHIRE DID ASCEND. AS YOU KNOW, ALL I HAVE I OWE TO MY ANCESTOR.

 

BUT CELEBRATIONS AT THE ESTATE GROW TIREFUL AND LATELY HAVE I SOUGHT A NEW METHOD. HEREIN MY TROUBLES LAY.

YET CONSIDER MY RUMINATION:

AS AN AVID DEVOURER OF YOUR NEWS-FEED I HAVE NOTED YOUR PENCHANT FOR VISUAL JOVIALITIES, SPECIFICALLY WITHIN YOUR COAT OF ARMS. IMAGINE MY TERROR WHEN UPON VIEWING IT THIS MORN. I WAS CONFRONTED NOT ONLY BY A SADLY MANGLED GOURD, BUT BY THE FOUL DUTCH COLOUR!

CARVER YOU RASCAL! A POORER MAN’S HEART WOULD COLLAPSE OF THESE TERRORS! BUT YOU ARE THE VANGUARD, CARVER, AND PERHAPS I GROW OLD, SUSCEPTIBLE TO THIS RAZOR-WIT IN WAYS SEEMING PAROCHIAL TO THE YOUTH. BUT THAT GENERATION WOULD NEVER WREST A SILVER CANDELABRA FROM THE MITTS OF A RUSSIAN BEAR, CARVER, AND THAT EXCITEMENT WE WILL SHARE WITH OUR FELLOWS FOR ALWAYS. THEY INSTEAD SOFTEN, AND THE MERCILESS CHINESE WILL SOON CONQUER AS YOU DID PREDICT ME THAT WARM AUTUMN EVENING SO LONG AGO. MAY IT HAPPEN ONLY AFTER THE HUNDREDTH SEPTENNIAL!

AT ANY RATE, I BELIEVE I HAVE FIGURED THE PROPER METHOD TO REJUVENATE WHAT BECOMES A SAD, ROTE WORSHIP:

WITH MY OWN SKILLS I HAVE COBBLED TOGETHER MY OWN COAT OF ARMS FOR YOUR NEWSPAPER, RESPLENDENT AND LIGHTHEARTED, WITH A LITHOGRAPH OF THE ANCESTOR THAT I MYSELF DID COMPOSE. VIEW IT. IT IS MY PRUDENT DEMAND THAT YOU PLACE IT UPON YOUR NEWSPAPER ON TOMORROW, THE FIRST OF NOVEMBER.

YOUR HESITATION IS UNNECESSARY AS I HAVE ANTICIPATED YOUR OBJECTION: THIS CONSISTS NOT OF POOR PRECEDENT AS NO-ONE OF YOUR READERS POSSESSES THE DEXTERITY OF WIT AND TALENTS THAT HAS BEEN SPAKE OF COTTINGSHIRE. I AM THE STRONGEST HUMAN AND ALL VERBAL ARGUMENTS WILL PERISH WHEN IN CONTEST WITH MY OWN.

CARVER, I REMEMBER AS ONCE WE DINED YOU BANDIED A JEST AT THE EXPENSE OF THE ANCESTOR. I KNOW YOU LOVED HIM TRUE, AND AS SUCH I FIND IT WELL APPROPRIATE TO REQUEST YOUR GENIAL HONORATION.

HE WAS A BETTER MAN THAN I AND YOU, CARVER. HE DESERVES GLOBAL PUBLICATION, AS YOU KNOW I OFT WOULD REMIND.

PLEASE DO ME NO INJUSTICE. I HAVE FASTENED MY CAREFUL WORK TO THIS CORRESPONDENCE.

REGARDS

-M.C.

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18 Comments

  1. DHI  

    Neil Flanagan is indeed the greatest period writer of our time.

  2. Sorry...  

    but I can’t be bothered to read something that’s completely in caps — especially not something this long.

  3. W. Schermerhorn

    Cottingshire you old irascible bastard why must you shout at us! Soon every gentleman in the club will have need of a new hearing-horn. Scandalous.

  4. Milton Friedman

    Cottingshire! How often have I warned you to remain in your cave!

  5. SRSLY  

    Flanagan, aren't all the broads in Philo lined up to blow you already?

    • AJONES4EVA  

      i bet they'll be surprised to find all the blood on his hands after they blow him.

      WHERE WAS NEIL FLANAGAN ON 9/11?
      WHAT ARE HIS CONNECTIONS TO PROJECT 213?
      WHY DID HE VISIT LARRY SILVERSTEIN ON AUGUST 11TH?
      WHY WON'T HE ANSWER OUR QUESTIONS?


      seek the real truth, not the government's fake truth.

      TRUTH OUT

  6. All caps whyyyy?

    I saw this post and thought it was another one of those spam emails from a few days ago.

    Then I thought, "What has this world come to? The first from the UK that's actually written like it's from the UK."

  7. ....  

    why am i not getting this?

  8. THROW DOWN  

    I bet the geometer could totally beat cottingshire's ass.

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