Feb

24

The Federalist Party’s Triumphant Return

Written by

Breaking CCSC/ESC/GSSC/SGA news in the form of new dark horse candidate Chas Carey, CC ’08. Carey, running on the “Federalist Party” platform has decided to simultaneously run for presidency in all class councils. According to candidate Carey, his campaign is one of unification: “Class councils have long been powerless against the overwhelming might of Low Library, but if we yoke them together, we can scale the steps and crowthe people with Bollinger’s wig,” the statement read. You can read the full declaration of candidacy after the jump, including what will no doubt become a legendary campaign speech entitled “The Future Is Now; No, Now; No, Right Then; I Mean, Wait, Fuck”


EAST CAMPUS (AFP) — In a self-described “impromptu press conference” on

the steps of the International Affairs Building at 8 AM, the Federalist

Party announced its intentions to run simultaneously for the presidencies

of all four student councils.

“I step down today as Editor-in-Chief of The Fed,” said Chas Carey, CC’08,

clutching a tumbler of Bombay Sapphire, “to dedicate the remainder of my

Columbia career to a far nobler cause. Class councils have long been

powerless against the overwhelming might of Low Library, but if we yoke

them together, we can scale the steps and crown the people with Bollinger’s

wig.”

Carey accepted the newly-founded party’s nomination for unified  president,

with the remainder of the slate to be rounded out by “various upstanding

denizens” of the community. Concerns about his ineligibility to serve as a

graduating senior were assuaged by Carey’s assurances that “I will rule by

decrees and terse memos, requiring very little time away from my future

career kissing babies and healing differences as a member of the Peace

Corps in Somalia.”

Despite promises to run a “vaguely positive” campaign, Carey did not

hesitate to lash out at his presumptive rivals from the Jester. “They have

yet to field a slate of candidates,” said Carey, sneering. “We would gladly

challenge them to a series of debates, but we would be left debating an

empty podium. That, my friends, is a debate we could probably win.”

Asked by a passing heckler whether his candidacy would espouse populist

claims, Carey responded, “your mom’s a populist.”



FULL TEXT: “The Future Is Now; No, Now; No, Right Then; I Mean, Wait, Fuck”

Fellow Columbians, thank you for enduring this impromptu press conference.

I choose to speak to you today because the time has come for change. I

refer you to the inspiring words of Barack Obama (Class of 1983): “I have a

dream of the fierce urgency of now on the mountaintop of hope.” That dream

is realized today, in the future. By the future, I mean now, which is, as I

speak, already the past, but already conjured in my mind as the future

before I speak these words and consign them to the past. Looking towards

the future.

Let me begin again. Fellow Columbians, I step down today as Editor-in-Chief

of The Fed to dedicate the remainder of my Columbia career to a far nobler

cause. Class councils have long been powerless against the overwhelming

might of Low Library, but if we yoke them together, we can scale the steps

and crown the people with Bollinger’s wig.

To that end, I am running for the presidency of all four student  councils,

simultaneously, as the nominee from the Federalist Party. I  hope to

continue in the footsteps of those iconic Columbians and authors of the

Federalist Papers, Messrs Alexander Hamilton, John Jay, and James Taylor.

The Federalist Party’s slate of candidates, which will feature various

upstanding denizens from Columbia’s community, is committed to a level of

capriciousness disguised by sloganeering on a scale not seen since  George

Rupp. The “I am Light Blue” campaign will pale by comparison.

The campaign will not be easy. Some may fear right from the outset that my

status as a graduating senior will leave me ineligible for the presidency.

Let me reassure you that I will rule by decrees and terse memos, requiring

very little time away from my future career kissing babies and healing

differences as a member of the Peace Corps in Somalia. Still others may

worry about a man as president of Barnard’s student government. Let me

promise you that I am in touch with my emotions and all those things girls

complain about. And I can extend a carefully-gloved hand of friendship to

both the whimsical gap-year students and the creepy old men of the School

of General Studies.

This campaign will carry a vaguely positive air, sullied by dastardly

YouTube screeds created and proliferated by anonymous surrogates. But I

would be remiss if I did not mention our rivals, the so-called “Jester.”

Their feeble mantras and insider connections to Big Oil will not help them

this time. They have yet to field a slate of candidates. We would gladly

challenge them to a series of debates, but we would be left debating an

empty podium. That, my friends, is a debate we could probably win.

In our victory, our resolve will be firm, and we will prove our commitment

to sound fiscal policy by cutting the Jester’s budget to zero dollars.

Special interests and the chattering classes need not fear, however: we

will use the windfall from our new budget to forgive the debt of the Blue

and White.

The Fed is entering a new era. They are restarting the paper, with humor

and excitement, fueled by a wonderful new staff, and I would encourage you

to fill the void left by my corrupt personage’s departure by attending the

meetings of the all-new newspaper on Sundays at 2 PM in the Lerner Club

Space on the fifth floor to write funny articles in good company (with

snacks and dialogue/diatribes) or pick up a few posters for the Federalist

Party to flyer in flagrant  violation of election commission rules, thereby

allowing us plausible  deniability.

It is a new day. Es un nuevo dia. Tenemos mi tocina? No? Si? Que  me

importa! The future is now. Now is the future. Change is our policy, and we

will be both ready and right on Day One in order to make it to at least Day

Three without getting impeached.

Thank you for your time.

Chas Carey CC’08

Candidate for President (CCSC, ESC, SGA, GSSC)

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17 Comments

  1. chasfan  

    CHAS IS THE MAN!!!!

  2. Rudolf Rocker  

    King, long may ye make it rain.

  3. awesome

    God Bless Columbia.

  4. meh  

    I like the thought, but this wasn't really that funny.

  5. feh

    it's decent, but I want to see what the jester does in response.

  6. awesome  

    Chas Carey is the best conservative in the senior class. Much better than Chris Kulawik.

  7. ...

    I'de take him over George Krebs any day... I mean, he even had a more concrete letter of decleration that the real candidate...

    P.S. The FED is so ripping off Colbert....... will Doritos fund this campaign as well?

  8. alexw

    The Jester's restribution will be swift and fierce.

  9. no...  

    The Jester's retribution will be lazy and unfunny, and also suffer from atrocious, spastic layout, so that in the unlikely event that it actually was funny, we wouldn't be able to read it anyhow.

  10. Anonymous  

    Vote Chas Carey for president of my heart.

  11. Susan

    I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

    Susan

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