Apr

1

The League of Thrones

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Last night at 9 pm there was a defining moment in American history: the premiere of Game of Thrones, Season 3. Watch Bwog exercise its pop-culture muscles as we analyze the Ivy League, GoT style. Because life would be so much better with family crests and rivalries that were real, and because you’ve already taken at least three Buzzfeed quizzes about this. Give your feedback or correct our George R.R. Martin knowledge in the comments!

House Lannister: Ruthless. Arrogant. Powerful. And more money than you can imagine. Just like the Lannisters, Harvard clearly rules the world. They are always ranked number one, their sports teams are the only ones to ever do anything outside of the Ivy League, and they’re all just so damn smart. Harvard is the school that everyone loves to hate. You’re never quite sure whether you want to be one of them or smack the shit out of them. As for the whole incest thing…well, that’s another post entirely.

House Baratheon: The house Baratheon is most known for producing challengers to the throne. One of the most frequent challengers to Harvard’s dominance over the Ivy League is Yale. Their rivalry is best on display during the famous “Game,” the yearly football game between the two schools. Besides this, both the Baratheons and Yale have a strange tendency toward producing incompetent rulers that run the kingdom into debt.

House Stark: Who here still worships the old gods? Princeton, apparently. Eating clubs and those bright orange blazers all the alumni like to wear are remnants of an Ivy League long gone by. They are ancient traditions that have been abandoned by every other school. Speaking of those blazers, only the most dedicated and loyal of alumni would come back to wear those things year after year. The Starks have proven that they value family above all. Similarly, there are no stronger bonds in the Ivy League than those between Princeton alums.

House Targaryen: To round out our top four, we have the Targaryens. The Targaryens once ruled all the seven kingdoms – with dragons. Dragons. We might not have dragons, but Columbia University is clearly the Ivy League version of the formerly great house. After going through a long period of disgrace (the 60’s and 70’s were not kind to us), we are fighting our way back to the top. Leading the charge back into power is Daenerys Targaryen, the last of her house. Daenerys is the perfect embodiment of a strong, beautiful, bold Barnard woman if there ever was one. Columbia’s incomprehensible relationship to our “sister” school is a major point of contention, but also one of our greatest strengths.

House Greyjoy: The Greyjoys have largely been defined by one thing. Despite all evidence to the contrary, they still manage to think that they are better than everyone else. I’m looking at you, Penn. Instead of worshipping the Drowned God, all students at Penn pledge their undying faith to the Wharton School. “It doesn’t matter that no one takes us seriously. Yes, Penn is a real Ivy! I go to Whartooooooon! What is dead may never die…” Ya, great.

House Tyrell: House Tyrell’s claim to power has always been challenged by the people of the Reach. They only achieved their status as a great house after the Tyrells (originally just stewards) surrendered their castle to the Aegon the Conqueror of House Targaryen. The house they betrayed was called the Gardeners. House Tyrell’s motto is “Growing Strong.” Hmmm…An oft-disputed great house in the middle of nowhere, with a penchant for agriculture – sounds familiar. Though I’m hard pressed to say that Cornell is “Growing Strong,” they are most certainly the Tyrells of the Ivy League.

House Arryn: There is only one school that is bat shit crazy enough to be worthy of being called the Arryn’s of the Ivy League – Brown. I’m not sure what is more disturbing, breast feeding a child until ten, or an entirely pass/fail transcript. If you wanted low standards and no stress, why not just go to a state school like all your other friends? Is this how you do things in the Vale? Come on, Brown!

House Tully: House Tully – the rulers of the Riverlands. For a group of people that are so great you never really hear much about them. They’re not like the Greyjoys, constantly being disrespected, or like Tyrell, their claims to power being challenged. They are actually considered to be deserving of their place as one of the great houses. They’re just not that interesting. The University of Chicago consistently ranks above many Ivy League schools, but it just doesn’t command the same respect that other schools do. It’s tough being the little guy.

House Martell: Everyone knows that guy – that guy who is just so good, so absolutely incredible that they are above any form of competition. Martell is that guy. Their motto is “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken” because they are the only house to have never been conquered. No matter what you do, they will always be better than you, and MIT will always be better than other schools despite not even having a place in the renowned Ivy League. You got an A, they got an A+. You have good professors, they have great ones. You’re working at a startup, they had three startups before they sold them to Google for a sweet hundred mil. MIT, keep doing you, and making all of us look like punks.

Honorable Mention

The Wildlings: In the eyes of the educational elite, very little exists beyond the wall of the East Coast. The only group of people that have somehow managed to survive in the barren wasteland that is the rest of the world would be those savages who call Stanford their home. Their women are scantily clad, their men are brutish, and their school is barely old enough to say it has history.

The Dothraki: The Dothraki are most certainly represented in the pride, the strength, and the tradition of Dartmouth. (i.e. They both fuck horses.)

Bwog sigil via Join the Realm

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15 Comments

  1. uhhh  

    The Lannisters are definitely Princeton.

    • definitely not stark  

      There's a blue collar feel to the Starks that Princeton definitely does not have. All in all I think this was pretty terribly done...

    • Yeah

      I think most of this is pretty spot-on. But I'd switch a few around.

      Harvard should be Baratheon - they've been on top for a while, but are now losing out to Princeton.

      Princeton should be Lannister, because they're douchey elitists AND are now supplanting Harvard to a degree. (Lannister and Baratheon are tied for 1st on US News)

      That leaves Starks as Yale.

  2. Anonymous  

    This is unfathomably stupid, Bwog.

  3. maybe im not getting it  

    but is our banner supposed to look like a redbull can?

  4. anon  

    I think Daenerys has nicer boobs than any girl at barnard... prove me wrong and post em ladies

  5. Anonymous  

    Sorry Barnard, but PrezBo is our Daenerys. They both have crazy blonde hair! Maybe you can be strong, beautiful dragons?

    • Twitch

      Yeah, making Barnard the centerpiece of the Columbia blurb was weird. I can't believe you missed the Barnard-Dragons possibilities.

      Love the comment-baiting, Bwog, but weak in the execution.

  6. Anonymous  

    Hey... you forgot House Frey!! They're a pretty freakin important house.... not going to spoil anything.. but yeahh... Dartmouth?

  7. Guest  

    This is actually brilliant...agree with all of them. Harvard is definitely Lannister...richest and douchiest.

  8. yo dawg  

    the greyjoy stuff was on point. perfect article.

  9. meh  

    not very good and Barnard pushing up our rankings? lol. dream on.

  10. Interpretation?

    Lysa Arryn is actually a Tully though...she married into House Arryn.

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