*insert bad dad joke*

These past two weekends were admitted students days for prospective first-years at Barnard, and squealing youths took over our campus with their parents in tow. However, our favorite part about Barnard visitors are the confused dads that really have no idea what’s going on and fear their daughter will be a lesbian after going to Barnard. To take a look at the dad perspective, Barnard Babe Courtney Couillard brings us a prospective student’s dad’s thoughts while touring Barnard for the first time.

Ahh, the day is finally here. After 17 years of raising a wonderfully perfect child (ok, I’m a little biased,) she is finally deciding where to go to college. New York seems like a pretty cool place to go to school considering we’re from New England and the most excitement she can get there is a trip to Boston to see the Blue Man Group. I’ve never heard of this Bernard College, (oh it’s Barnard? Sorry) but it sounds pretty cool and she’s into it so I guess I am, too.

It took us roughly thirty minutes to find the college because we exited the subway on the Columbia side of the street and didn’t know there was another college on the other side of the street. I did a quick head nod to the other dads in the tour group to express dad solidarity. I like to think they understand me. To be honest, I’m not even sure what it means to be an “all-women’s” college. I’ve been pretty much just going off the assumption she’s going to a modern-day nunnery minus the whole becoming a nun thing when she graduates.

The tour guide seems a little too enthusiastic about the school and keeps saying the words “bold, beautiful Barnard.” Do you think there’s a t-shirt in the bookstore that says that?

I’m hoping one of the other dads asks whether or not the students will ever have any interaction with a man while at Barnard. I went to college in the hippie days, and I’m just guessing these girls are still burning bras in the courtyard and yelling “fuck the patriarchy.”

One girl just walked by with a sweatshirt that said “fuck the patriarchy.” I guess that hasn’t changed. Do you think they sell that in the bookstore?

Oh, good. The tour guide said that most of the classes at Barnard are mixed with Columbia students. I’m not trying to say that my daughter should go to Barnard for an MRS degree, but I don’t really want her to be drowning in just estrogen for four years.

This girl keeps talking about some woman named “DSpar.” Is that some sort of idol that all of the girls worship? This whole convocation thing the students do in the fall sure does sound pretty ritualistic. Maybe that’s when they burn the bras.

Crap. I have to pee. Am I allowed to go in any of these bathrooms? A couple girls just came out of that bathroom. Hard no. Gender inclusive? What does that mean? Oh, I get it. Sweet salvation in form of a bathroom at an all-women’s college.

Look at my daughter. She is literally beaming. Not once has she said she wished she applied to Columbia. She really loves this college. I guess I do, too.

The tour guide just said something about a new library being built soon. That sounds like a good thing considering we just walked by the Barnard library and that building looks like it was built around the time the feminists began to take over America. To be clear, I’m not saying feminists are a bad thing. I listened to that new Beyonce album. I get feminism is different now. I guess I’m pretty excited about my daughter going to an all-women’s college at this point in time. She’s probably going to rule the world along with the rest of these students at Barnard.

Alright, this school is not half bad. They keep giving us free sandwiches and chips. I stole a few for the drive back home later.

At this point, I don’t even care what this school is like. My daughter is so happy right now as she poses for a picture under the magnolia tree (I will definitely be posting that picture on Facebook to brag to my friends.) She could be going to school in Alaska and I wouldn’t care as long as she likes it. But it is pretty cool that they have that DSpar idol here.

I hope my daughter takes pictures of the bra burning when that happens.