Enter: scene 1. Two actors. Sulzberger practice room. Commence passionate love.

Everyone is always looking to amp up their sex lives. But the Stacks isn’t the only place to get your freak on at Columbia. Continuing our series from 2014, Bwog has set out to find the best and worst spots on campus to consummate a relationship. Here, a Bwogger describes a relatively unknown spot: the Sulz practice rooms.

Valentine’s Day is nearing, and the residents of the Quad are anxious to Marvin Gay(e) and get it on, despite the awkward roommate negotiations, the XL twin acrobatics, and the accidental peep show for Broadway…. Suddenly that hookup doesn’t sound so appealing.

But suffer no more, Barnardians (and signed-in Columbians): your sex destination this Valentine’s is only a steamy elevator ride away.

Step 1: Gaining Access

Gaining access to the music practice rooms is simple, even if you consider yourself a novice at what I like to call “hookup geocaching.” The rooms, located in the basement, are left unlocked, and therefore entry is smooth and effortless – we’re still talking about getting into the music practice room, mind you.

(The proposal for the practice rooms must have gone something like this: “You know, what we really need for these college-age youth are some lockable, soundproof, empty rooms.” “Brilliant idea, Margaret. Let’s leave those unlocked and unmonitored.”)

Open the doors cautiously. There is a large possibility that the room is already inhabited by someone actually practicing music.

Confidence is key when entering the rooms should someone walk by. You two are, of course, on your way to rehearse a particularly challenging vocal duet. Do not let others doubt your intentions. If necessary, elaborate playacting may be employed. Use keywords such as “sheet music,” “soprano,” and “harmony.” This facade can easily translate to roleplay later on. Once inside, lock the door to ensure full privacy.

Step 2: Setting the Mood™

The provided lighting in the practice rooms is a glaring florescent that reads as “operating room.” Unless you and/or your partner is pre-med, a different lighting effect is probably desired to set the sexy ambience.

Lights off provides just the right mood. Because the doors have small (covered) windows, the light source will be just enough to prevent you from groping around awkwardly as you attempt to locate your partner’s titty within the dark abyss.

Whip out that sex playlist. Overheard Drake slow jams won’t cause suspicion – after all, it’s the music practice room. While “soundproof,” the walls between the rooms aren’t perfect and, without providing your own soundtrack, you may experience repeated, slightly incorrect piano refrains courtesy of your music practice room neighbors. Conversely, playing music can cover up any moist noises from your own activity (you kinky kids!).

Alternatively, you can kick things off by serenading your partner using the provided piano. There’s nothing quite as arousing as hearing the words, “Anyway…here’s Wonderwall.”

Step 3: The Logistics

Each practice room contains one chair, one music stand, and one piano (including a bench). Organizing these materials into a structure that could sustain any horizontality requires your partner to be a SEAS student. However, the vertical possibilities, especially incorporating the use of the chair, are endless. And, if things really get hot and heavy, there’s no better way to show your love and commitment for your significant other than by lowering yourself down onto a carpet full of cockroach antennae and the dried fluids of previous sexplorers. Thankfully, each practice room also has a full-length mirror so you can critique your technique from a third-person perspective as you get down to business.

Step 4: Pulling Out

This same mirror can also be a crucial component in your suave exit. Check your clothes for mismatched buttons, your hair for messiness, and your neck for hickies before stepping out. This is the appropriate time to give sexual feedback to your partner, taking advantage of your setting to use musical euphemisms (e.g. “Just as I was about to hit that high note, I think your tempo got slightly off.”).

You are now the accomplished sexual adventurer you always knew you could be. Wear your carpet burn and sore neck with pride.