Living the best years of our lives can be costly in a variety of ways

When you’re at a school as competitive as Columbia, it is important to engage in some debauchery to take your mind off CC readings, questionable GroupMe’s and the President-Elect. However, how much is each night of blowing off steam costing you? Bwog Senior Staff Writer Gabrielle Kloppers investigates a few common alternatives.

Option 1: The Carman Party
For freshmen, the primary night out is a shitty dorm party, usually in a sticky (and mold-infested) Carman double. If you’re hosting this, or being a good friend, the initial cost will be about $25 for crap liquor from International. However, this is not the only cost involved. At around 11.30pm, you’ll probably vomit because you’re not used to poisoning your liver, and given that you’re a freshman and your fellow freshman will be worried about you, you may even need to call CAVA. In this case, the $25 is not all you’ll be paying, as you’ll also lose your priceless dignity and perhaps have to shell out around $500 for a trip to the hospital where they’ll essentially ask you what your name and birthdate is and come to the conclusion that you’re probably okay. The only upside to this situation is that you’ll get so drunk so early that you won’t even get drunk food, saving yourself a bit of cash.

That amounts to:
Initial Booze Cost: $25
Dignity: Priceless
CAVA and Hospital: $500

Overall Expenditure: $525 – infinity

How does this compare to the value? This night was never going to be a good night. You only partied in Carman because you didn’t know enough people to do much else. So not only do you have a pretty high cost, but it’s not even a very good night to begin with.

Option 2: Frat or EC Parties
This is another freshman favorite. The good part about this one is that unless you want to pregame, you probably won’t have to put a down payment on the Initial Booze Cost. These parties are happy to oblige with shitty jungle juice or equally shitty beer. Ultimately, this is the cheapest option, as you probably won’t be CAVA’d either because all that dancing will help you sober up quicker. Also, wherever you are, you will probably run out of booze before you die. However, you’ll probably get Koronets when you realize how boring your night turned out.

Drunk Food: $5

Overall Expenditure: $5 (it’s a steal!)

Value: The night may be mediocre, but it’s probably not going to be exceptionally bad unless its NSOP and there are far too many drunk, sweaty bodies crammed into a frat basement. Given your low overall expenditure and the thorough mediocrity of the outcome (comparable with most Morningside Heights nighttime activities), this isn’t a bad bet.

Option 3: Campus Bars
This option will probably have to begin with the purchase of a fake, and given that it probably doesn’t have to be a particularly good one to get in anywhere near campus, you’re only going to be out $45. Then, you’ll forget that bars are expensive and forget to pregame, because honestly you were in Butler until 11:30 when a drunk friend called you to come to 1020. Or Mel’s. I will be basing the following estimates on the prices at 1020, where your average shitty mixed drink will be $6. You tip $1 per drink because you’re not a stingy person. So each drink will average $7. Given the average binge drinking limit of 4 drinks for a woman, this means to get to even the tipsy level you’ll be out $28. Now keep in mind that most people will drink 2 drinks beyond that limit (based on observations from last Saturday- keep your tops on people!!). So realistically, your Initial Booze Cost will be around $42. Now, once you’ve had 6 drinks you’re feeling far more magnanimous than normal, and you buy a round for everyone at your booth. That’s another 5 x 7 = $35. You go outside for a cigarette (or some fresh air) and opportunistic beggars will ask for a dollar, which you gladly give (because once again, you’re not stingy and you’re a decent type of fellow). Then, the beggar sees you in fact have another $5 in your purse, and pressures you into giving that to them too. After the mild disappointment of the evening and some repulsion at being hit on by 45 year old Russian guys at the bar, you go to Roti Roll ($5). Overall, it’s a pretty big drain on the budget, and you didn’t even get that drunk. The next day, you realize you’ve left your credit card at the bar and your tab is still open. You pray nobody used it, but even if they didn’t, the humiliation is all-encompassing.

That amounts to:
Initial Booze Cost: $42
Buying a Round: $35
Being too Nice: $6
Drunk Food: $5

Overall Expenditure: $88

Value: Although you’re not really drunk enough, this also means you don’t make a fool of yourself. Plus, sometimes there can be attractive people in the bars (rarely). It’s a mediocre night. However, the high cost of the evening will outweigh this by far, making this option rarely worth the expenditure.

Option 4: The Lonely Alcoholic
You’re not like the other girls. You pride yourself on your love to drink red wine and write. You just love sitting in your lonely dorm room, maybe with a small bottle of whiskey, listening to the sounds of debauchery outside and realizing how much better than those animals you are. We will base the price assumption on you buying a cheap bottle of red wine and finishing it ($15). What is priceless, however, is your immense feeling of superiority. However, this is somewhat tempered by your immense loneliness and what you imagine is crippling depression. So ultimately it evens out.

That amounts to:
Initial Booze Cost: $15
Self-Satisfaction: infinity
Self-Hatred: infinity

Overall Expenditure: $15

Value: Although you’ll probably have an existential crisis, nobody will see you drunk cry (unless you go to Toms for chicken fingers halfway through- we’ve all been there). A mediocre night, but maybe you will get some drivel on the page. Value is around that of a frat party, but in an utterly different way, as it mainly stems from a feeling of immense satisfaction at not being one of the horde.

Ultimately, life here in the Morningside Bubble is not cheap. Better get used to being productive and doing readings on your weekend nights instead. Or don’t, and wake up every Sunday morning checking your bank balance and swearing next week you’ll be better and stop spending exorbitant amounts on drinks and Sweetgreen.

Image via the best movie on college life