There’s a pretty good chance your hookup will start (and end) here

We’ve explained frat rush. We’ve explained srat rush. Now, we’re explaining another painfully confusing and time-consuming process that forms part of the backbone of Columbia student life: the hookup culture. This post is a satirical explanation of that culture, as understood by a second-semester sophomore who is on the asexual spectrum, just got out of a serious long-distance relationship, and has yet to hook up with anyone at Columbia.

Barney Stinson once said that a relationship is like a freeway; once you get on, there are designated exits at carefully predetermined periodic intervals. This analogy seems a little simplistic and a little arbitrary for the real world – which means that it’s perfect for Columbia. Here, I present the seven exits of the Columbia hookup highway.

1. One night: You meet someone at a party, or match with them on Tinder, or have a moment of intensely romantic eye contact across Ferris during peak dinner hour (the first two options are much more likely). You engage in some kind of sexual intercourse (definitions depend on the person). You extricate yourself immediately afterwards and grab some halal, then casually start walking faster whenever you see them on campus. About 65% of potential couples – the vast majority – only survive this long.

2. Three days: After the party/Tinder/Ferris pasta experience, you stay the night and exchange phone numbers. You go out for coffee a couple of days later, then you or they decide that’s enough of a relationship for at least the next month. You never text each other again, then purposefully sit on opposite sides of the room when you unavoidably end up in a seminar together senior year. About 12% of potential couples survive this long.

3. A week and a half: This is exactly the same stop as three days; it just took you longer to have that second date because of your and your hookup’s exhaustively busy schedules. About 8% of potential couples survive this long.

4. One month: The first two rounds of sex (usually one drunk, one not drunk) are relatively successful and you don’t have any major midterms for a couple of weeks, so you decide to try a few more dates with the person. It feels pretty great for a while, mostly because you’re having regular sex and occasionally don’t have to pay for your own drinks, but will ultimately end in three to four weeks because you feel more comfortable committing to a summer internship application than an actual living, breathing human being. About 10% of couples survive this long.

5. One semester: You decide to stick it out and commit. The other person is attractive, smart, good in bed, able to get into the best EC parties, and has an aunt working at a powerful company in your industry of choice – in other words, everything you want out of a relationship. After a couple of months, though, you realize that there are plenty of other attractive, smart, etc. people at Columbia, and the chances of you accidentally kissing one of them while blacked out at 1020 are higher than the chances of you still wanting to get coffee with the same person after summer break. The breakup is mutual, and followed by a complex series of plans to ensure that you are never in the same city block as your ex ever again. About 4% of couples survive this long.

6. Two years: You really think this is The One – the One you can stand to share a twin bed with every weekend night because you hate your roommate just that much, that is. But after two years, you realize that you probably won’t end up in the same city as this person after graduation, and they didn’t laugh at that one Orgo Night joke, and have they always snored that loudly, and… it’s just not worth it any more. About 2% of couples (half of which are Barnard wlw couples formed during NSOP) survive this long – and by this long, you and your significant other probably share a lot of the same friends, so the breakup permanently ruptures your social life for the rest of college. You seriously consider transferring.

7. Death: If you get really, really lucky (or you delude yourself really, really well), somewhere at Columbia, you can find the person with whom you want to buy a home in Westchester, raise 1.5 kids, and get buy matching gravestones. The percentage of couples who survive this long is just 1%, but their kids usually get into Columbia! (For evidence, I present the only couple in this category whom I know: my friend’s parents.)

Home of disgusting floors and terrible kissers via CU Housing site