“You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.”

Happening Around The World: In one of the weirdest news stories of this year, Australia’s High Court decreed that 5 members of Parliament were ineligible to run for their seats because they were all dual citizens of Australia and another country, and dual citizens cannot run for Parliament. Though some of the members didn’t even know about their dual citizenship, their disqualification from Parliament threatens the Prime Minister’s coalition majority. (The New York Times)

Happening In The US: Trump declared the opioid crisis a public health emergency on Thursday, though his directive does not release any additional funding to aid medical treatment, research, or advertising preventing the overprescription or misuse of opioids. Meanwhile, The New Yorker took an in-depth look at “the family who built an empire of pain” off of the creation of Oxycontin. (The New York Times/The New Yorker)

Happening In NYC: The NYPD is tracking a “nose-picking masturbator” that has been spotted on several subway rides, upsetting the passengers, presumably with his nose-picking. Dude, gross.

Happening At Columbia: Tired of treating yourself and want to be tricked instead? Then check out the basement of Furnald which is now home to a haunted house, with free admission for one night only!

Overheard: “This orgo exam… is gonna eat me in the butthole.”

YOU CUT THAT OUT via Flickr