C’mon… tell me you don’t see the resemblance!

I have a few uncommon opinions that I hold very strongly. Like the fact that the day should start at 6:00 AM instead of 12:00 AM (it makes so much more sense to have 12 hours of daylight followed by 12 hours of night). Or that Arial should be outlawed in favor of Helvetica supremacy. However, there’s one opinion that I could rant about for hours if given the chance: group chats are a terrible way to make plans as a group.

There’s one essential truth in this world: the absolute minimum number of days before the event you need to notify the parties you want to attend is approximately equal to the number of people you plan to accommodate. Simple, right? If you want to go out to the movies with two friends on Friday, let them know to clear out their schedule on Wednesday. If you’re hosting a party for thirty people, let them all know a month in advance.

However, all this relies on the assumption of a single planner, and things are complicated immensely by the presence of a group chat. It’s happened to the tightest of squads; one minute someone texts “yo what are we doing tn,” someone has an idea, someone has plans and proposes an alternate time, someone can’t make the alternate time, someone proposes some abstract date in the future (“maybe next week?”) and everyone sits at home watching old episodes of The Good Place.

It doesn’t have to be this way! Here are a few simple solutions for easy group chat governance.
1. Full-blown authoritarianism
It’s basically a command economy: one person decides where and when everyone should meet up and if you can’t, you get to stay in the gulag (your Furnald single).
2. American-style democracy
Elect someone to decide the events. Also write all the rules down on a sacred sheet of paper. Also create two houses, one based on group chat participation and the other with everyone to hold them accountable. Appoint nine members to decide when the others have violated the rules. Eventually disband the system after Mel’s is caught financing the campaigns of certain members.
3. Use an app like When2Meet
Be sure to use fake names so if not everyone can attend an event you’re not choosing between friends, just choosing what works better overall. Use an alias that’s obviously fake like “Phlurt McGuido” or “Funny Bwog Commenters.”
4. Hire an unbiased third party
Business inquiries: zack.abrams@columbia.edu
5. Accept the futility of fate and your small, small place in this speck of dust hurtling through space
There’s always next week, right?