We’re just weeks away from the biggest party this side of Morningside, and there’s still no official word on who the Bacchanal headliner’s going to be. In the event that no one’s yet been picked, we’d like to offer some (very implausible) suggestions. If you’ve got any info on Bacchanal, the phone lines are open at tips@bwog.com.

  • The Jonas Brothers, playing classic Columbia hits
    • (“Play My Music” in defense of Orgo Night, “S.O.S.” since Facilities will never cancel classes even in the face of a weather emergency, etc.)
  • Bhad Bhabie
  • ABBA cover band
  • Southern Culture On The Skids
  • John Powell and an entire orchestra playing the score from “How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World”
  • David Archuleta
  • Cukkakke
  • Sappho
  • Tekashi69
    • (fresh off his new Brooklyn residency!)
  • The cast of Mamma Mia
  • Beethoven
    • (via Ouija board)
  • Rico Nasty, Bali Baby, Cuban Doll, Asian Doll
    • (or literally any other woman)

Photo via Wikimedia Commons