Bwog staff writer Elle Ferguson records a Q&A session between prospective students and SNL’s weekend update city correspondent, Stefon.

Prospective Student: What’s a good place to study on campus?

Stefon: Yes yes yes yes. If you’re looking to cry your eyes out at 3am, I know just the place for you. Columbia’s hottest library is: Butler. Built during the Great Depression on the backs of immigrant laborers, this place has everything: silence, anxiety, a junior who regrets every decision they’ve made in their life, capitalism…

PS: Where can I socialize with friends?

Stefon: If you’re a freshman who wants alcohol poisoning, I know the perfect place. Columbia’s guiltiest pleasure is East Campus. Located in Columbia’s campus and in Harlem, this place has everything: booze, ritz crackers, a girl who should really go home, that guy you ghosted,

PS: How about a cool place off campus?

Stefon: Yes yes yes yes yes yes YES. If you like to party with other adults you don’t know, I know just the place for you. Morningside Heights’s hottest bar is 1020. Located close enough to a hospital that you might have to walk there in an emergency, this place has everything: overpriced cocktails, a suspicious door in the back, a man with an electric scooter who’d like to show you his apartment…

PS: What can I do when the weather is warm?

Stefon: Oh yes yes yes. If you’re looking to photo-bomb international prospective students taking pictures on an iPad, I know just the place for you. Columbia’s hottest outdoor location is Low Steps. Located in front of an obsolete dome, this place has everything: people who seem happier than you, frisbee, penis fountains, a stranger who throws water bottles with his feet…

PS: What clubs should I join?

Stefon: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. If you’re crowd is toxic over-achievers, I know just the place for you. Columbia’s hottest cesspool of anxiety is The Spectator. This place has everything: a bean bag, a superiority complex, the opinion of a conservative lesbian…  

PS: How’s the food on campus?

Stefon: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. If you like to throw your impulse control in a deep fryer and serve it with ketchup and tears, I know the perfect place for you. Columbia’s most oily dining hall is JJs. Located in the basement of a freshman dorm building this place has everything: Fox News, trap music, the last fuck you threw away in your freshman year…