Barnard Residential Life might love to spite students in most respects, but part of their new rollout of free alarm clock services ensures that you’ll never sleep through that 8:40. 

In my genetics class this morning we went over a simple probability problem – if you need to wake up for your Orgo exam but your alarm clock fails one in ten times, and the one your friend lends you fails one in twenty times, how likely is it that both will fail, resulting in you missing your test?

The correct answer: if you live in Plimpton Hall right now, you couldn’t sleep through that Orgo exam even if you tried. Your new alarm clock, courtesy of Barnard College, will never fail. Your exam could be at four in the afternoon. Worry not, you’ll be awake at 8 am sharp whether you want to be or not! Many can attest to the effectiveness of this new system – my measly phone alarm can’t hold a candle to the mighty drilling, splitting the earth and the lovely dream I was having asunder.

Alas, as construction finishes up, it looks like this pilot trial will soon be coming to an end, leaving students to sleep through their morning classes like God intended. But given the frequency of Barnard generously providing us with alternative wake-up methods, surely many students will be reassured to hear that this will not be the last time we hear from the Barnard alarm clock committee.

We might be paying an arm and a leg in tuition costs, but don’t ever tell me that Barnard doesn’t have our backs.

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