Staff Writer Alyse Rovner is passionate about investigative journalism, and more specifically Columbia’s placement of Joe Coffee Company establishments. 

As you scan the west side of Columbia’s campus, you may notice historic buildings, hoards of stressed students shuffling to class, and fluffy dogs on walks with their owners; however, you may not notice one incredibly obvious feature, which I would dare to say defines this campus: the not one, not two, but three Joe Coffee Company establishments which line–in a LITERAL line–this campus. 

Upon examining campus, there is, in fact, a Joes in Pulitzer Hall, Dodge Hall, and the Northwest Corner Building which happen to be within close proximity to one another, and more importantly directly along Broadway. One could say that this placement of Joes’ is simply because of its close access to and from Broadway; however, this makes much less sense than the truth. 

I had been afraid to disclose this information for far too long, but I feel that there is no better time than now.

Joes are placed strategically in a straight line to cover the secret tunnel that runs below each establishment. This secret tunnel allows perfectly roasted beans to be delivered to each location easily and makes running out of coffee practically impossible. I mean I’ve never seen Joes run out of coffee, and I am willing to bet you haven’t either. 

Joes produces each bean within the depths of this tunnel as well, which would account for its high price point. Have you ever wondered why coffee is so expensive there, why you would dare pay $7.50 for a large iced vanilla latte with oat milk? This surge in price is because of the quality and hard work you are paying for; specifically, the close proximity of production.

This even placement ensures that each Columbia student will see Joes, and subsequently spend obscene amounts of money there as well.

Additionally, I have confirmed knowledge from a Columbia insider who caught a glimpse of troll/minion like creatures working in this tunnel. This insider said that these creatures travel exclusively in a straight line which would provide further explanation as to why the Joes are placed like this; however, I cannot confirm or deny this information.  

This case is an ongoing investigation; if you receive more information, please do not hesitate to reach out. 

is there such thing as too many joes via one caffeinated bwogger