Showdown at 116th and Broadway, 24/7.

I know humans are powerful animals. I know they are. But one time when I was three years old I was at a petting zoo or something and according to my mother, I was attacked by a rogue pigeon. Yes, a pigeon had made its way into a petting zoo and probably had been attacking all of the other animals that were brought out to be pet and stole all of the sweet pettable animal’s food. So, I have a rather irrational fear of pigeons. Especially NYC pigeons because they are so fearless. The pigeon doesn’t move for you, you move for the pigeon.

Then, one day, I was on my way downtown when I saw a rat battling a pigeon for food! Which had us at Bwog thinking… which of New York’s fierce animals would win out food battles? I’d throw us humans into the mix but let’s be real here if it’s your accidentally dropped food vs any NYC animal… you’re going to lose.

Poncho (the cat from Samads) vs 3 subway rats for a bacon, egg, and cheese

I honestly think Poncho would just roll over and let the rat gang take this one. He probably gets so many little food scraps during the day that if the 110th street rat gang wants to take this one, let them.

Fruit flies vs Cockroaches for your ~trendy~ fruit bowl

Cockroaches. They win. They always win. They’ll survive nuclear warfare. At least fruit flies can be swatted away. Even if it may not be the most appetizing bowl of fruit after the crawly little flies have set up shop on it but produce is expensive so that’s a sacrifice. But a cockroach? Swatting a cockroach??? Absolutely not. So, unfortunately, when it comes to this match up the cockroach has the power of being disgusting on its side and the fruit flies have a human’s swatty little hand working against it. Cockroach and its cockroach friends get to enjoy what was once your decorative yet practical fruit bowl.

Bold, beautiful rats of Brooks vs Pigeons for 3 am leftover Koronets

The Quad Rats that I’ve come across are honestly quite timid. They’re scary but I’ve never seen them just hanging out. They run from one corner of your room to the other but they usually aren’t a huge issue. The pigeons on the other hand? They come and hang out on your windowsill. They poop on your windowsill. Their beady eyes stare into your over-caffeinated soul and immediately know all of your insecurities. Their beaks are small but mighty. One doink to the head of a rat and the poor thing is probably concussed. The answer is clear. The pigeon will bob its tiny head as it takes tiny bites of your pizza slowly tear your bold, beautiful Barnard plans into tiny digestible pieces for it to poop out onto your tiny dorm room windowsill. 

Riverside Raccoons vs the “sweet, gentle, he just needs to warm up to you” German Shepherd for your picnic

Both are absolute menaces. Both animals have black fur around their eyes so you can never tell what they’re thinking. Do not let sweet pictures of baby raccoons fool you they can turn into the ultimate picnic-destroying monster. They go from feeble sweethearts to ambidextrous sod-rolling, trash savvy creatures. I have never encountered a raccoon in Riverside (miraculously) but I heard they can have a real presence on what you thought would be a nice walk in the park. But, the german shepherd. I’m not sure about this one but if the dog on the album cover of Without Warning by Offset, 21 Savage and Metro Boomin is a German Shepherd, that is not something that I would fuck with if I was a raccoon. However a pack of raccoons? It all comes down to how territorial your German Shepherd is vs how many crumbs and leftovers the raccoons think you’ll leave.

Stray Cat vs Squirrel for littered cigarette butt

The squirrel is agile but the cat has claws. It would be a swift snatching of said cigarette by the squirrel who would try to scurry away but slowed down by the fullness of a cigarette butt in its body, the stray cat would swoop in and (sadly) kill the squirrel. All for some nicotine poisoning and a full belly. 

Millie vs Roar-ee for students

Prezbei emails beat Prezbo emails, any day of the week. But Prezbo signing off with “From the President’s House, Jean and I send you our very best.” to inform us that we won’t be coming back in person for the fall… doesn’t quite make up for it but I’ll give him some bonus points. Milstein green chairs will always have my heart but then compared to the accessibility of Joe’s coffee at Columbia, the score is evened. Columbia’s dorms are better, but you can’t call their rats Bold and Beautiful. You can major in unafraid at Barnard but can’t tell your overnight guests to see themselves out. I guess Dorothy from Wizard of Oz knew what she was saying when she said “Lions and tigers and bears oh my!” Both Roar-ee and Millie are fierce.

Pigeon Empire State via Wikimedia Commons