Because we’ll do anything—and we do mean anything—to avoid the McBain shaft.

If, like me, you are one of those unfortunate people who has one of the last 100 lottery numbers, you may be wondering how you’re going to obtain that single you’ve been dreaming of rather than a double in the McBain shaft. Here are some of Bwog’s best ideas. 

• Bribe housing. That’s it. Bribery.
• Eliminate and then steal the identity of a Schapiro resident.
• Couch surf the buildings that are open 24/7 for free housing. I’m sure you can shower at Dodge or something. Pretend you’re Frances McDormand in Nomadland and just live out of a bag for the year.
• Become friends and/or lovers with the person with the highest lottery number in your range. Then just become a parasite and camp out at theirs. Find a way to kick them out, and boom! The nicest dorm for your grade is now yours <3
• Challenge Housing to a duel and win.
• Manifest.
• Start a group chat with every TikTok witch you know and make them read your tarot cards until you get the future you want. If the cards get exhausting, blood pacts are also fun and totally don’t have any consequences :)
• Convince housing it’s opposite day and that if we play by those rules, you’re supposed to choose your dorm first.
• DIY a new building right in the middle of College Walk and you can build all of the singles you want (just be sure to name the building after your fave student news org <3).
• Bring some sheets and pillows to JJs—it’s better than McBain.
• Bully your roommate, so they switch out of your double, and you get a single. (Legal disclaimer: Bwog does not condone bullying of anyone, including roommates.)
• Turn off all the lights and say “Hartley Hospitality” three times into your bathroom mirror.
• Give up and transfer to NYU.
• Build a nice little dorm for yourself in Minecraft. Spend all your time there and engage in remote study (which is no different from taking classes online). At some point, the virtual world of Minecraft will blend in with reality, so much so, that the difference between the two will not exist. And you can just live out your days as a farmer and miner and build all of Columbia University and just exist in a virtual space. The real world? Never heard of her.
• Get #ColumbiaIsOverParty trending on Twitter, so everyone will boycott and more singles will open up.
• Buy every key in the world, one of them is bound to open a door to a single. Then just…live there. 
• Pretend to be a secret organization based in rural Iceland that’s recruiting your roommate. When they inevitably accept the job and tell you that they’re moving out for “secret reasons,” you’ll have at least a year alone before they realize they’ve been scammed.
• Take over the Barnard pool. No one’s using it anyway.
• Indefinitely book a study room in Milstein.
• Stride right into PrezBo’s home and talk about your legitimate concerns and issues with the university. He will, per usual, ignore you, and voila.
• Find someone who has a single who could conceivably be your twin, then take their place, using a number of terrible wigs. If you can get a young Channing Tatum involved, that’s even better. 

omg it’s a single! via Bwarchives