Staff Writer Jeff Davis traveled deeply into their spiritual core and has emerged with some shining insights to guide your way from darkness into light.

Last week was Spring Break and you allowed yourself to relax just a little bit. Now time is flying and all the pressure comes back at once. You’re stressed. Off-kilter. Unsure of how to go on.

Never fear. We here at Bwog will be your salvation. We have meditated long and deeply. Through our efforts, we have discovered these three pearls of wisdom, three grains of secret knowledge. With proper application, you’re sure to rediscover your groove. Let us bestow them upon you. Take them as gospel.

1. Go Skydiving:
   
   This is sure to break you out of your funk. Nothing like facing your mortality to get you out of the midterm slump. I can already hear your response. “Isn’t that dangerous? Why do I want to be strapped to some dude I don’t know and is probably sweaty while flying through the air?” What is more dangerous? Falling from the sky to your untimely doom or not getting in that paper that is making you slam your head against the wall? And, seriously? I’m so touch-starved that I’d gladly be strapped to a potentially sweaty stranger just to get some modicum of physical affection. Check your privilege.
   
   
2. Get Your Blood Replaced
   
   You might be wondering what this means. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Have all of the blood removed from your body and get it replaced with someone else’s. You’re sure to feel brand new and squeaky clean in no time. Just the boost you need to get through that make-up midterm you’ve been putting off. Where are you going to get enough spare blood for your entire body? For legal reasons that’s not our business, but also we know a guy. He’s got a keg you can tap. What was your blood type again?
   
   
3. Spiritually Escape From This Plane Of Existence
   
   Religions across the world all describe their own method of escaping from the limits of physicality. Use one of those or, even better, invent your own! This could be your next DIY project. The rest of the semester won’t matter to you if you’ve managed to separate yourself from the inherent suffering that all living beings must endure. Look beyond trying to balance academics, extracurriculars, and your nonexistent personal life. See the gears beneath everything. Find true meaning. I mean, if you’re into that sort of thing. Good luck, I guess?

If you have anything else you’d like us to add to this list, we at Bwog are always happy to engage with suggestions from the community. Send what has worked for you directly to jeff@thescreamingvoid.com. Right now. Any and all advice is welcome. Please, we’re begging you.

Image of our current mental state via Bwog archives.