While Columbia may have lost to Dartmouth, this weekend’s damage didn’t end on the football field.

Consider this my formal request that midterms, Homecoming, and Parents’ Weekend never fall in the same week again. Whoever constructed that genius scheduling clearly forgot to consider the students’ best interests. After all, some of us had exams to fail, parents to impress and reputations to ruin, all in the span of 48 hours.

Welcome to my weekend from hell, college edition. You start your Friday with a midterm worth more than half your grade. Having never gone to bed, you’re running entirely on cheddar, sour cream Ruffles and Bloom Energy. Three hours later, you stumble out of the exam, content with the knowledge that your GPA is tanked, but delusional enough to think there is potential for a curve. Immediately you check your phone, only to find a paragraph-long guilt trip from your parents, who have apparently forgotten you had a midterm and are now wondering why they came all this way just for you to ignore them. 

That night at dinner, your conservative father goes non verbal after realizing his tuition money is funding a lifestyle he would rather not know about. Unfortunately, the next morning is not any better. You arrange to meet your parents at Butler, but they spot the word “Library” on Low and assume they’ve found the right place. They spend the next 30 minutes sitting on the steps, convinced you’ve ghosted them for the second time in 24 hours. 

Things only get worse when your parents insist on taking the subway to the game. Naturally, you explain that the trip will take 40 minutes because the 1 train doesn’t run on weekends. Yet they remain unconvinced because apparently, your years at college haven’t earned you any credibility when it comes to navigating your own city.

You arrive late to the game, only for your parents to demand you all leave at halftime. You suggest going to the frats instead, which they take about as well as if you’d spat in their faces. When they finally depart the next morning, you’re left wondering what’s tanking faster: your midterm grades or your relationship with your parents. Although you probably spent a grand total of five hours together, somehow, it still feels like five too many. 

If anyone else is feeling a weekend hangover that has nothing to do with alcohol, just know you’re not alone.

Image via Bwarchives