How to get into Columbia without donating a building.

As my Snapchat memories take me through the mental and physical turmoil, the (blood?) sweat, and tears, the anguished times of ~senior year~, I get the sensation to vomit. But also YAY, because the next year of Barnard Baddies and Columbia Crowns will be entering soon, and that is FAN-fricking-TASTIC news!

NOvEmbeR 1 is coming up soon, so I figured I would give potential future Barnard Baddies some assistance. I remember how much the “Why Barnard” essay had me all turned around. Of all my essays, this was the hardest because I wanted to gasboss, girlkeep, and gatelight Barnard by thinking of “quirky” things to write about. Unfortunately, I failed and settled for the Big Sub, ~community~ stuff that admission officers soak up. (Side note: I’m pretty sure Big Sub is a hoax that was made up for soothing the minds of angry teens seeking Ferris subs.) HOWEVER! As a one-month-old freshman, I’d like to share my (completely irrelevant) thoughts on the best parts of Barnard/Columbia. Take a gander below to understand the true Columbia University! 

Steps:

• You know the steps that everyone takes pictures of during their tours? Yeah, the ones that make CoLuMbIa UnIvErSiTy look so regal? Those are known as Low Steps. It’s where everyone goes to drink and partake in some very legal activities on the weekends. The steps garner bonus points for the objects found in Alma’s hand on a Friday/Saturday/Sunday morning. (Bonus points to you if you can make it to the roof of the Low Library unnoticed and return with no scratches.)

Mosquitos:

• Thought that schoolwork would be the only thing biting you in the a**? Think again because the Butler lawn mosquitos are ready to snack like a bunch of drunk teens on their way to JJ’s! 

Food:

• The food is honestly better than what I expected. Hewitt food is slowly becoming? flavored? Odd, I know, right? I know everyone hates dining hall food, but I was pleasantly surprised by the variation and the flavor profiles of the many meals. 
• My official ranking of dining halls that nobody asked for, but I will supply anyway: 
  1. Hewitt. The staff is so kind and their smoothies are honestly better than anything else I’ve ever had. (I have literally swiped in on multiple occasions to get one singular purple smoothie, and I have #noregurts.)
  2. Ferris. This one makes sense; Ferris food is just good. However, the lines are kind of absurd, but they make up for it for by the sheer quantity of variation. In one meal, I can leave with seven boxes of donuts, pies, pasta, sandwiches, nachos, pizza, and most importantly a salad with the most amazing grilled chicken I’ve ever had.
  3. JJ’s. JJ’s food has never not given me a stomach ache the night after, but I still enjoy it? It’s like torture that I’m asking for, aka Columbia University, so it seems fitting. Also, JJ’s is literally the definition of sensory overload—again, fitting. Getting food poisoning is like a who’s who, except you have to figure out if it was actually JJ’s burgers or those floating specs that come with the Columbia tap water.

Schoolwork:

• I’m not sure why, but I applied, assuming I’d never have to do work or study? In all my wildest dreams and scenarios of college, doing work was never in the picture. SPOILER ALERT! There’s work to do here…*insert rolling eyes emoji.* In the past 24 hours, I’ve consumed more calories in caramel macchiatos and cough drops than food, and I don’t see that pattern changing any time soon. 

Clubs:

• Turns out applying to clubs is actually HARDER than getting into the school itself! And, as it also turns out, I will not be trying new things this year! So, yeah, college is not the place to explore yourself and try new things because “no experience necessary” actually means, experience is very much necessary…bring your resume! I am not salty.

Bonus:

• You will meet so many new people, and you’ll feel so incredibly proud that you’ve made it to the place you have, but take solace in the fact that some of those people will remember your name, and you won’t remember theirs. Embrace the popularity, bestie. 

In a less satirical manner, Barnard is definitely the place for me (and you ;)). This is everything I ever hoped for and much, much more—and this is 110% sober, so you know this is legit. Apply—even if you don’t think you will attend. (Although I don’t see why you wouldn’t: this is actually the best place on earth—no, those tour guides did not lie to you.) We can’t wait to have you! Kisses. 

college walk/run/saunter/jog via Bwachives