Standing in the middle of campus and in urgent need of a bathroom? We’ll tell you which one to pick.

Hi, girlboss. We’ve all been there. You’re standing in the middle of a quad, surrounded by campus buildings. You drank a venti iced coffee to stay awake for your 8:40, and you’re about to manic-pixie-dream-shit your pants if you can’t find a restroom in 60 seconds. Your sphincter tightens, your stomach churns, but all you can think about is which restroom to use. This choice is made all the more difficult considering how many campus buildings don’t even have a ground floor women’s restroom.

Enter Bwog. We’re here to tell you where all the ground floor bathrooms are on campus, and which ones you should make the effort to visit.

Note: These particular reviews will cover women’s bathrooms and ~some~ unisex bathrooms on the ground floors of Columbia and Barnard buildings. We also will not be covering dormitories’ restrooms with the exception of John Jay Hall. Let us know if we missed any ground floor women’s restrooms!

South Lawn

• Butler Library

Butler Library has two women’s bathrooms on its ground floor (Floor 2), and they are so different that I must rank them separately.

Left Bathroom: The clearly superior bathroom on Butler 2. This bathroom is typically busy, but it makes up for it with its four decently sized stalls. While there’s nothing particularly special about this ladies’ room, you probably won’t have to stand on line for it, and you can piss without the threat of claustrophobia. FINAL RATING: 6/10.

Right Bathroom: The inferior option. Two stalls only (I fear intimacy), so you have to stand on line outside the restroom for a few minutes to get in, disqualifying it for urgent use. The strange configuration of the stalls also forces you to squeeze to enter/exit the stall, and there are noticeable gaps in the stall doors, making for uncomfy eye contact. I would not recommend this bathroom if you can avoid it. (And you can because there’s another one on this floor.) FINAL RATING: 4/10.

AVERAGE FINAL RATING: 5/10.

• Lerner Hall

This is literally the worst restroom on campus. Walk through Blue Java and Café East to reach the women’s bathroom, and based on scent alone, you’ll think you’ve entered an airport bathroom that hasn’t been cleaned in 10 years. This bathroom is busy during the day, making it a nonstarter for #2. Furthermore, the women’s bathroom does not have any sanitary napkin disposal bins in the stalls, forcing you to carry out your used napkin to the communal trash can by hand. (Ew.) The Lerner Bathroom experience is complete once you dry your hands with an air dryer that manages to produce earsplitting noise despite its inability to dry your hands. Avoid at all costs. FINAL RATING: 1/10.

• John Jay Hall

The only bathroom on campus that requires human interaction to enter. To get in, you’ll have to ask the John Jay security guard to borrow the key to this single-use restroom. In this single use bathroom, the temperature is always toasty, making it ideal for winter months. However, this restroom’s greatest strength is also its greatest weakness: it’s right at the entrance to John Jay Hall. While its location is very convenient, it also means you’ll be dropping a deuce to the ambient noise of a stampede of 300 hungry college kids. Not amazing, but it’s your best option on South Lawn. FINAL RATING: 7/10.

Best Bathroom On South Lawn: John Jay Hall

Worst Bathroom On South Lawn: Lerner Hall

Upper Campus

Note: This category includes buildings between College Walk and Uris Hall on Columbia University campus.

• Kent Hall

Have you ever thought to yourself, I would like a couch in my restroom? Well, this spacious restroom, just off College Walk, is the place for you. When you open the door, you’ll be greeted with two large couches and a massive mirror, perfect for OOTD pics. This space has so much natural light, I can’t believe no one’s tried to list it on Zillow. Now for the negatives: the odor isn’t great, it’s a bit too high traffic to poop in, and the gaps in the doors are a bit uncomfortable. However, this Kent Hall restroom is still a good option, especially if you need to sit down and take a breather (not too deeply though). FINAL RATING: 6/10.

• Philosophy Hall

Here’s your chance to take a dump in a National Historic Site. (Not kidding, check out the plaque.) This women’s restroom has so much potential for mirror selfies, thanks to its low lighting and décor made of wood and faux marble. It’s giving dark academia. It’s giving The Secret History. However, Bwog is sad to report that it is NOT giving restroom. This bathroom is always a little dirty, and the stalls are quite cramped. Additionally, the stall doors’ closing mechanisms function to varying degrees. (Or maybe I just gave up really fast.) Either way, we highly recommend this restroom for a photoshoot, but NOT for actually USING the restroom. Go piss elsewhere, you dark academia hoe. FINAL RATING: 4/10.

• Lewisohn Hall

I don’t know how to politely say this, but this women’s restroom smells like ass. I literally have nothing else down in my notes for this restroom because it just smelled THAT BAD. FINAL RATING: 2/10.

• International Affairs

In addition to its sweeping views of Harlem and Midtown, the SIPA building provides Columbia students with the… okay-est bathrooms around. Nothing is really great about this bathroom, but nothing is too bad either. It smells like a mall bathroom but in a nice way? There are a lot of stalls, but you still don’t have a ton of options because the toilets are often clogged. There’s lots of mirrors in the adjoining room, but none at the sinks? Check out this women’s restroom if you’re looking to be not overwhelmed, not underwhelmed, but simply whelmed. FINAL RATING: 5.5/10.

• Faculty House

I know what you’re thinking, reader: when will I deliver some positive reviews of a bathroom? Well the Faculty House women’s restroom is the crown jewel of this campus. This oasis smells of sweet mint, and the décor offers gorgeous tiles, jade green toilet stalls, and old-timey photos of Faculty House. The tissues are even in marble tissue boxes. (Camp.) The entire bathroom has gorgeous wall sconces that provide flattering lighting, giving me a needed confidence boost. Definitely visit either before or after the lunch crowd hits Faculty House. FINAL RATING: 9.5/10.

• Buell Hall

Does anyone even go in Buell Hall? I did not see a single soul in the ten minutes that I spent in this building, making it the perfect destination for a poop. The ground floor offers two single-use restrooms. While they are not as spacious as some others on campus, they offer complete silence, allowing you to unleash your JJs-induced diarrhea in peace. My only criticism is that these single-use bathrooms only offer hand dryers, not paper towels. But overall, this is your best option for a crapping crisis on campus. FINAL RATING: 10/10.

• Uris Hall

The Uris Hall women’s room feels like a nicely designed mall bathroom. You will have no problem finding an available stall here, and the stall doors have no cracks at all, allowing for total anonymity while you answer nature’s call. Additionally, these stalls are tall and a generous size, giving you lots of space for your bag(s). Uris Hall’s central location makes this bathroom a great choice no matter where you are on campus. However, there’s no avoiding that cloying mall bathroom scent and the high foot traffic, the only things keeping this bathroom from being scored more highly. FINAL RATING: 7/10.

Best Bathroom On Upper Campus: Buell (Pooping), Faculty House (General).

Worst Bathroom On Upper Campus: Lewisohn Hall

Engineering

• Pupin Hall

Pupin Hall offers the nicest single-use ground floor women’s restrooms on the Engineering Quad. (God that’s niche.) However, your selection is important here. I am partial to the rightmost bathroom due to its offerings of natural light, no odor, and a larger size. There’s even a big windowsill for you to place your bags, preventing them from getting any bathroom germs on them. While this restroom is very close to the entrance of Pupin, it still does not experience too much foot traffic. Do yourself a favor and check out this choice next time you have a physics lab, all you girlies in STEM. Also +1 because you’re Pooping In Pupin. FINAL RATING: 10/10.

• Schapiro Hall

Purple stall doors. Do I have to say anything else? The Schapiro Hall restrooms are quite close to the front door but still manage to stay not crazy busy. On the occasions that I have visited the women’s restroom, it has always been clean, well-lit, and best of all, odorless. This spacious option will give you a moment to just breathe and escape this claustrophobic campus. And come on, purple doors? FINAL RATING: 8/10.

• Mudd Hall

Hello to my fellow girlies in CS (and people who find themselves in Mudd)! The women’s restroom in the Computer Science building really leaves something to be desired. First of all, it unfortunately possesses that overbearing mall bathroom scent that is so common on campus. The stalls are also cramped and have some weird door gaps that can leave you in the direct sightline of someone at the sink. Additionally, this bathroom stays pretty busy because it’s next door to the Carleton Lounge. While it’s wonderful to see so many #WomenInSTEM, it makes the Mudd bathroom undesirable for pooping. My only positive comment is that I like the blue door. You have so many great restroom options on the Engineering quad — why settle for this? FINAL RATING: 4/10.

Best Bathroom On Engineering Quad: Pupin Hall

Worst Bathroom on Engineering Quad: Mudd Hall

Barnard

Note: I am not a Barnard babe, so it’s highly possible that I missed some restrooms! Let us know in the comments what we forgot.

• Barnard Hall

At Barnard, this women’s bathroom is the cream of the crop. My favorite part about this bathroom is that it smells like a swimming pool (read: chlorine). Maybe that’s a downside for you, but luckily there are even more features to this restroom. This women’s room has a generous number of stalls, and it’s generally quite clean. If you want to remember your childhood summers while taking a piss, this is the place to be. FINAL RATING: 8/10.

• Milbank Hall

Oh, you want to pee in Milbank? Good luck finding the restroom, chump. There’s tucked away, and then there’s “hit my daily step count while trying to find this goddamn bathroom”. If you’re having trouble though, try following the scent of fruity B.O. that emanates from the restroom. Once you finally arrive to the women’s restroom, you’ll probably have a lot of trouble closing the door which will be embarrassing for you if anyone else is in the restroom. (But hey, I’m not speaking personally.) One relative pro of this women’s room is that because it is so far away, you probably won’t have anyone else in the restroom with you. So points for privacy, I guess. FINAL RATING: 5/10.

• Milstein Center

The bathrooms in Milstein may seem nicely designed, but they provide the same two-stall hell as Butler does. Don’t be fooled by those tall ceilings. Once again, this restroom possesses that mall bathroom stank, probably due to its high volume of users. One significant con that I have found in all Milstein bathrooms is that there is no service in there? Maybe this lack of cell service is a ploy to get you back in your desk as soon as possible? But goddamnit, it’s my study break and I deserve to watch 2 minutes of TikTok as a treat! FINAL RATING: 3/10.

Best Bathroom on Barnard Campus: Barnard Hall

Worst Bathroom On Barnard Campus: Milstein Hall

Superlatives

Best Bathroom For Mirror Selfies: Faculty House

Best Bathroom For Pooping: Buell Hall

Most Convenient Bathroom On Campus: Uris Hall

Best Smelling Bathroom On Campus: Faculty House

Best Bathroom To Take A Nap In: Kent Hall

Most Private Bathroom On Campus: Buell Hall

Worst Bathroom On Campus: Lerner Hall

Pupin Poopin Palace via Bwarchives