Schrödinger’s cat, but make it two guys and one COVID-19 positive test result.

What do you do when your roommate is feverish, lethargic, and unresponsive? Well, pre-pandemic era life suggests you would check in on them to make sure they are fine. That is not the case now. Instead, I put on my trusty KN95 mask and sat on the opposite side of the room, trying to take in shallow breaths as I read Dante’s Inferno. It was like my own contrapasso.

Unsurprisingly, his symptoms were in fact COVID-19 symptoms and, 48 hours later, he tested positive for COVID-19. His results prompted me to scour Columbia’s Isolation and Quarantine FAQs, hoping to find guidance during these trying times. I was hoping—per random videos I have seen on my TikTok For You page—that he would get moved to a lovely hotel accommodation as he recovered. Well, as of January 11, Columbia has shifted its COVID-19 response which seemingly focuses on treating the virus in terms of longevity rather than fully preventative; those who are roommates of COVID-19 positive individuals and who have been fully vaccinated may move about campus without any further precautions. The only thing the University requires is that you wear your mask at all times in your room (yes, even when you are sleeping). 

With an abundance of caution, I decided not to go about my day-to-day life without receiving a negative result. So, with a sick roommate four feet away from me, I was isolated in place for 12 hours. Here’s how it went down:

8:30 am: My roommate opens his lab results. He is COVID-19 positive.

8:35 am: Does my throat hurt? I think I’m feeling feverish.

8:40 am: I hope my [roommate’s name] doesn’t die. What would I do?

9 am: Making tea… I should do my homework.

9:02 am: Why is the tea called a “Throat Coat?” It’s giving Nancy Reagan.

9:04 am: My throat is thoroughly coated.

9:06 am: I think I’m going into anaphylactic shock. My throat is closing up.

9:11 am: False alarm. Should I wake [roommate’s name] up? I’m feeling lonely.

9:30 am: *I fall into a hoof trimming TikTok rabbit hole.*

9:37 am: I think I could own a horse farm. The horse girlies get so much hate, but they are actually onto something. They’re probably happier than pretty much every 19 to 27-year-old in New York City. Including me. Why the hell am I going to school in New York?

10:12 am: *Reading The Lais of Marie de France* I should text them.

10:17 am: Ovid is a slut. He’s just like me.

10:34 am: How many New York Times crossword minis can I do in 10 minutes?

11:47 am: I just spent an hour solving crossword puzzles. My mom really doesn’t have to worry about me in college.

11:49 am: Oh no he’s coughing. I need to get out of here.

11:51 am: *Frantically googling Columbia COVID-19 policy* There is no way I have to live like this for the next five days. If I don’t have COVID-19 now, I am definitely going to get it by the end of our roommate bonding retreat. 

12:07 pm: I have COVID-19. No, I don’t. Yes, I do.

12:13 pm: I want a 16 oz Blue Bottle New Orleans cold brew with oat milk™. I mean technically I can leave my room. No, that would be a super-spreader event. Right? This is hell.

12:15 pm: *I organize my entire closet*

1 pm: I think I should bleach every surface. God, I am such a good wife.

1:03 pm: What if I pee in this bottle of bleach?

1:39 pm: I just ingested at LEAST four teaspoons of bleach and yet how does my room smell worse?

2:13 pm: The lavender-eucalyptus-aloe room spray actually just made my room smell infinitely worse.

2:17 pm: I am going to throw up.

2:48 pm: *I discover a toenail clipping approximately two cm wide and six cm long* Impressive.

2:51 pm: I want to touch it.

2:52 pm: I touched it. I’m going to get athlete’s foot on my hand.

3:05 pm: *Eats three Oreos instead of lunch…* This is a low point.

3:14 pm: *Organizes school assignments on G-cal with pretty colors*

Still 3:14 pm: *Does none of the aforementioned school assignments*

4:25 pm: I’m being so productive. I should do some stretches. *Lays on floor for about 28 minutes*

4:53 pm: Can you get high from bleach fumes? Are bleach fumes a thing? I think I’m levitating. *Queues Dua Lipa*

5:03 pm: I am craving Mike’s Sub Shop. I could use a good sub right now.

5:26 pm: I want to watch a movie. I should probably call my mom.

5:33 pm: *Calls mom* Is it normal for me to still call her mommy? I hate every single one of you who sexualized the word mommy. Hell. All of you.

5:45 pm: IS THIS DEREK FROM TEEN WOLF? I need to watch this.

7:20 pm: This is exactly why I am not a film major anymore. I don’t think I could take making movies this bad for the rest of my career.

7:27 pm: My Letterboxd review for Can You Keep a Secret? (2019): “I’ve seen much more convincing performances in porn skits.”

7:34 pm: *Makes a big ball of oreo creme* *Eats it*

7:46 pm: Thinking about that Carman bomb scare…what is my life?

7:55 pm: I should check and see if the toenail is still there.

8 pm: It is.

8:03 pm: This would make a great Bwog article. Maybe I should pitch?

8:09 pm: Why are my neighbors blasting Beach House?

8:11 pm: If I put a cup against the wall, could I eavesdrop on their conversations? Get a grip, Dominic.

8:12 pm: I am Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

8:19 pm: This is just like Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Cabin Fever. 

8:20 pm: They should make book fairs for adults. Is that a realistic startup idea? I am quite literally an art history major, what am I even saying?

8:27 pm: This has felt like purgatory.

8:30 pm: I have come to realize that I am not in fact God’s strongest soldier, and I still have four more days of this self-imposed isolation. This school hates me. XOXO Gossip Girl.

carman floor 13 view via dom